one.

One year done, one more to go. I’m psyched that just like that, a year away from my family, the language that I speak and the life that I know is over. I have one more year left and instead of felling exhausted about it, I feel the opposite. I am in a “bring it on!!!” mood. By the help of God, I was able to start working in a good area in the hospital where I work and I am excited to learn brand new things. I know I am getting older and I am happy that even if that’s the case, I am still hungry. Hungry to learn, hungry for pressure, all I want is more.

My life in Jeddah is both dull and exciting. If I look at it in a daily basis, it keeps on repeating. Same bananas every freaking day. But if you go inside each day, if you cut it into pieces, I can say that I am a daredevil. Here I was able to try things that I planned on trying long before but wasn’t able to. They all fall in front of me and all I had to do is to accept or reject it. And guess what? I said “yes” to them all! It felt really good.

In the next couple of days, I am trying more new stuff. They might get me into trouble but I don’t care. I know I am in good hands. I know that the friends that I have here are good. They have my back and I have theirs.

Blessings (Laura Story)

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, prosperity.
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, You hear each spoken need.
Your love is too way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love.
As if every promise from Your word is not enough.

All, the while, You hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win;
We know that pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life;
Is a revealing of greater thirst that a world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights;
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Nanay

One day, I decided to keep my roaming mobile on my cabinet for me not to see the messages anymore because they are just so upsetting (just like a few seconds ago). It was kept there for about a month when I opened it last week and saw a message from my Nanay. She told me how much she misses me and how much she wish that I am back home for Christmas.

If you ask me, I miss Nanay more than anything in the Philippines. She always have this accepting warmth. Whatever I do she understands and tries to explain my side. And in the end if I come out wrong, she will nevertheless hug me and tell me that it's okay, she will love me just the same.

I remember the things that Nanay did for me. I remember her opening the door when I come home from a party at 3am. I remember her fetching me because it is too dangerous for me to walk home. I remember her giving me money during the time that I was unemployed and I did not know what to do with my life. I remember her not asking for anything, anything even if she knows that I am capable of giving her already. I remember her sobbing everytime one of us is sick or wronged

I may not be able to say this everyday but I have the best grandmother in the entire planet.

I love you Nanay!

Para Lang Alam Mo

Nakakataw lang. Na medyo nakakaiyak. Meron ba sa mga tao sa Pilipinas ang may alam kung pano tumira sa ibang bansa para magtrabaho? Wala. Hindi nila alam hanggang hindi sila yung nakaka-experience nito first hand. Hindi nila alam kung pano yung feeling. Hindi nila alam.

Inaamin ko guilty din ako dahil dati nung nasa Pilipinas ako may ilang tao akong jinudge dahil feeling ko nagbabago sila dahil nasa ibang bansa sila. Ganon yata talaga yung pakiramdam kapag nasa Pilipinas ka at hindi nakikita lahat ng hirap sa ibang bansa. Kapag nakikita mo lang yung masasayang tweets and wall posts ng taong malayo sa Pilipinas na pilit na inaaliw ang sarili kahit sa simple pagkain lang ng boy bawang, polvoron and chicharon.

Hindi alam ng mga tao sa Pilipinas kung pano nagkakanda pilipit pilipit ang dila namin sapagsasalita ng language na sobrang layo sa ginagamit ng mga pinoy. Hindi nila alam yung pakiramdam ng nasisigawan ng mga taong parang hindi ka kayang igalang dahil Pilipino ka or dahil alam nilang mas mababa ka kesa sa kanila. Hindi nila alam kung ganon kahirap maglaba at mamalantsa pagkagaling sa tabaho para may maisuot kinabukasan habang nagluluto ng pagkain. Wala silang clue kung gaano kahirap yung gusto mong pasayahin yung sarili mo pero iniisip mo na kesa ibili mo ng pansarili mong gamit yung sweldo mo, ipapadala mo na lang para kahit papano matuwa naman sila sayo. Yung kahit tipirin mo na yung pasko mo basta makapagbigay ka lang ng pang pasko nila.

Mahirap manumbat dahil wala naman akong tinutulong. Nagbibigay lang ako kung kelan ko gusto. Iniipon ko kasi yung pera ko. Kasi alam ko pag-uwi ko may mga maniningil sa akin ng mga utang na hindi ko na alam kung bat lumaki ng ganon. Ayoko lang na pag-uwi ko may marinig ako na gaking ako sa abroad pero wala akong pera. Which I will probably hear anyways. Kasi nga wala namang matitira sa akin. Hindi ko pa sinusweldo may ponaglalaanan na agad. Wala na agad sa kamay ko.

Sabi ko ayoko na dito. Sabi ko pag-uwi ko hahanap ako ng mas magandang lugar. Na stepping stone ko lang to. Pero bat ganon? Pagdating ko sa Pilipinas feeling ko back to zero ako. Ipangbabayad ko lang sa utang lahat ng pera kong maiipon tapos hindi ko manlang matutulungan yung sarili kong magsimula.

Ang sama ng loob ko. Pero wala naman akong magagawa. Ganon eh. Ginawa ko lang to, para lang alam mo. Para lang maalala mo. Para naman hindi ko lang to kinikimkim dito.

What Is Hadness?

OCT. 10, 2011

By DAISY ALIOTO

Hadness: happiness that we know is temporal and therefore registers more like sadness, the heart-pinching intuition that what you currently “have” will soon be something you “had.”

Hadness is not the same as pleasure, which is necessarily and by nature brief– a modicum of burning matter. Hadness is the hand you hold for one night, and the memory of the slightly scarred knuckle that far outlasts any trace of its owner in your life.

I tried to talk to one of my friends about hadness and she denied any knowledge of the emotion. Instead, she turned the question on me, at which point I admitted that I feel this way quite a lot. Her apparent blissful ignorance of the emotion initially put me off, but I know that I didn’t make it up because I’ve glimpsed elements of hadness in popular culture.

In the movie Elizabethtown, failed shoe-designer Drew Baylor explains, “I have recently become a secret connoisseur of last looks. You know the way people look at you when they believe it’s for the last time…? There’s one right now.” Drew’s collection of “last looks” hints that human beings can, or at least think they can, anticipate emotional pain. And doesn’t it also follow that this acute sense taints our happiness at certain times?

Or take a passage from the book Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, (which in the spirit of personal tradition I have read at least once a year since I was 14.) The main character, Lee, is discussing the demise of her relationship with another senior at her prep school.

Sittenfeld writes, “I thought of how many times I’d wondered if things were awry between us, if I was displeasing him or if he’d lost interest. All those times, I’d suppressed my impulse to ask…because—and I understood this now—you really don’t need to ask. When it was over, you knew.”

I guess you could sum up this point as such: the way a thing will end is written in its beginning. That the kiss you suddenly know will be your last returns to one telling point—rendering the ray a circle.

That initial point, that evasion of infinity, is the gesture of one person reaching out to another beyond their orbit. And aren’t we always coming or going, playing the departed or the left?

I’d like to think if I’m careful enough I will not read the story of my impending loneliness in the veins of a lover’s closed eyelids—but I know that’s not true. Hadness can lurk even in the warmest of shadows.

I guess in those moments I’ll return to pop culture to assure myself that I’m wrong. I’ll remember that Drew’s newfound lover Claire mimics taking a picture of him with her hands the first time he walks away– and maybe that small gesture of memory’s futile hope was the mettle that brought them together again.

The Things That I Never Said

It was the fastest most exhilarating love story that I've had. He was just hanging around while I was killing time. In the midst of the Jeddah heat during Ramadan, we found each other. We instantly clicked. I loved his pouty lips and he loved my chinky eyes. Everything started out very platonic but deep inside I knew, we both wanted more. So much more.

Everytime I talk to him I feel like I was in highschool again. Everything seemed so dangerous yet I enjoyed every single moment. It was so surreal. It was perfect. We were perfect. I even thought that we are soulmates because we shared the same birthday. I feel like floating in the sky with the way he talk to me. He understands me like no one else here in this foreign land. And I don't know if it's just me and my mind playing tricks on me but I think.. he really did fall in love with me. I felt the same.. but I did not tell him. I'm such a pussy I know.

One day when I was so afraid that I am feeling something so strong, I decided to stop. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but I did it anyway because I know that I am not capable of handling this kind of love anymore. The kind that will sweep me off my feet. The kind that writers write about.. that crazy, intense but dangerous kind of love. No, I don't think I can handle it anymore. I lost my confidence on gambling so much for that kind of love.. The kind that most of the time doesn't last. If I put my self in that kind of situation again and then in the end thing won't work out.. I know I will lose my mind, I will lose myself. I.Can.Never.Afford.To.Lose.Myself.Ever.Again.

My mind tells me that I am doing the right thing, protecting myself and keeping my focus on my game but my heart, oh my god.. my heart is my worst enemy. It keeps on asking me "if it was the right thing to do.. then why does it feels so wrong?". I know that I made a mistake by hurting myself but more than that, I think I also hurt someone whom I truly care about. Someone I think I already love.

I know I was hurting him everyday just by mere existing in his life. I am not bragging about that fact, I am actually ashamed. I wanted to erase everything that I did and go back to normal. But he made it very clear that it's impossible to happen. The hurt has been done and sorry won't cut it. So today, he did something that I can say I already saw coming. He permanently erased me in his life. He's far more than done with me and it feels so bad.

My dreams of sharing an ice cream , holding hands again, watching my first rain in Jeddah and seeing a shooting star or fireworks with him all went to trash. I know that it was all my fault. I know I wasted everything. I know. I know. I know. Unlike most of my failed relationships.. here I am aware of what happened. I hope I didn't but I do and it's sucking the life out of me.

Now, there he goes..my first real love after a major heartbreak in a foreign city. There he goes.. disappearing into thin air. I'll miss you silly. So much.

A Letter To Your Crush

SEP. 16, 2011

By RYAN O'CONNELL

Hi Crush,

Thank you so much for existing. I was getting pretty jaded there for a second and then you came along to cast a big shining light on my life. I don’t even care if we actually hook up (well, sort of). I’m just happy that you’re there.

I don’t know you that well, which is kind of great because it allows me to run wild with my imagination. Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to nibble on earlobes or cut the crust off their sandwiches or maybe you’re actually a raging jerk who’s selfish in bed. I really have no idea. I like not knowing. It lets me create a pretty picture of you and I having picnics, kissing under streetlights, getting tangled in bed on a Sunday afternoon, getting stoned and listening to records when it’s raining, and going grocery shopping for juice and sundried tomato spread. All of these things are possible in my head. You could be this person.

Crushes are a wonderful thing. Everyone responds to them in the same way with this childlike sense of excitement and wonder. You can be 65 and still feel a smile develop when you’re listening to “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” because you get it and it gets you.

You represent possibility, a possibility of change and romance, of giving me something I’ve been craving for so long. And you don’t even know it! You’re just sitting there being cute and crushworthy, not even aware of the joy you’ve been giving me. If you knew, maybe you would be really creeped out or maybe you’d realize you felt the same way about me. I won’t know until I actually do something about it.

Therein lies the dilemma of having a crush. Do you actually want to act on it? Do you want to give them your phone number and resign yourself to feeling miserable until they finally text you? Sometimes it’s fun to just have the crush. The PG fantasy. Sometimes I don’t actually need to see you naked IRL. I just need you to be there and be whoever I want you to be in my mind. It’s not always about actually seeing if you can get into a relationship with your crush. Sometimes they’re just there to make everything easier for you and become the highlight of your day. They’re there to make you feel younger and happier and silly. They add brighter colors to an otherwise drab period of your life.

So I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it. I think I’m just going to let it be. I’m going to keep you as my dream person and not have reality ruin anything. Don’t think of this as a sad thing. You’ll be the crush who will never be able to crush me.

I Miss Home

Six months. I was able to get by without my parents supervision, cooking and everything in a little over six months. I was okay during the first couple of months. No. I was okay, really okay the whole time but not since last week. Why the sudden change? I'm clueless. I just.. miss home.

My family is the clingy type. You'll see them everywhere in my life. My mom is very outspoken that even Facebook can't stop her. They love me. I know that. I love them with my 206 bones too. I miss my Mama's "Kumain ka na dyan" line every morning, my Papa's cooking and "I love you anak" that always touches my heart and my two bruha sisters. I miss the family gatherings where we just eat, sing, swim and make fun of each other. I miss Nanay and her monthly treat of pedicure and if I'm lucky even manicure. I miss Tita Nora and the Dunkin' Donuts that she brings us every freakin' week. I miss my cousins, titas and titos. I miss them so I want to cry and run back to the Philippines. NOW. I miss home.

I don't know what I ate and why I'm like this. I miss my bed and my 7 pillows. I miss our house where I can just lie on the floor anytime I want. I miss the "Ondoy" (desktop at home) and his monthly habit of getting a virus. I miss my friends. I miss my life in the Philippines. I miss home.

I am aware that this is some sort of a stage that everyone abroad goes through every once in a while. I also expect that one day I'll wake up and feel better. But let me just say that today, in this moment.. I'm not okay. I miss home.

I'm puzzled on what I can do to make myself feel better. I want to feel better so bad but I realized that I am looking for it in all the wrong places. Maybe I am feeling things just because of this longing to be home. Maybe everything that I thought I am feeling for every single person who comes near is wrong. Or not. What the hell? I don't care. What I'm sure of is that.. I miss home.

I hope this feeling goes away. Like hunger or thirst. I can divert my attention to something else like eye candies or good music.. But then, even if I enjoy looking at or listening to something, the feeling of longing will still be there.. Like when you hear something nice, after a while you'll remember that you're still thirsty. The longing will not go away.. and it becomes worse this time..

I need a hug. A hug that will make me feel like I am home. I don't care if I need to buy it or do a cartwheel just to get it.. I just really need a hug now..

I Want to Hold Your Hand.

PLAY

Last night, I saw a scene of Pandora and Thomas on Skins.. holding hands after something awful happened.. I cried. Not just little but lupasay cry. It felt like my world stopped.. I realized how much I want someone to hold my hand too.. to assure me that no matter how sucky things are, in the end it'll all be alright.. that I'll be alright.

Rewind to last week, someone actually did hold my hand. I was so nervous and this sweetheart gave my hand a squeeze, "you're so tensed, you have to relax..". I feel like crying picturing that moment right now. This person did not let go of my hand for like 3 or so minutes. It was so sweet and it was very difficult for me to keep my cool while it was currently happening. I remember biting my lower lip to stop myself from grinning. Though I still want to hold hands, my protective instinct kicked in and I stopped the moment by putting my hand somewhere else.. But nevertheless, it was so lovely (imagine Cassey saying it). It was. It still is. Whenever I remember it, I feel like I am in high school again. Sneaking out, holding hands, staring, talking, driving around.. Lovely.

Back to today, I think everyone, (no matter how much they deny) at some point of their life needs someone to hold hands with, to hug anytime, to say goodnight to before wrapping up the day.. I am not sure but I think I am at that point. The thing is that all the right people that could possibly do those things with me are on the other side of the world. If I am right that I need someone to cuddle with, I would definitely need him near. Someone who I can really hold, someone I can call anytime and could show up in 15 mins max if I have an emergency. I would need someone who won't tell me that the internet connection has a problem or he cannot reach my mobile. No. I don't need that.

Coming from someone as conceited as me, admitting that I need someone is huge. Like really big deal. Though I don't want to rush things and go over the top in telling the world what I think I need.. admitting it not to you or to anyone but to myself is fair enough.

So yes! I want someone to hold my hand..

PLAY

I told you so

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no one will be able to unlock this one. not even this.

bunny

This will be the very first time that I will write about you. I don't even know if I should tell anybody about what we have because it could be really dangerous. You could possibly be dangerous. But I like you. So much. So f*ck everything else. I'll continue on liking you.


It started like one of those "I'll just try" things until one smile led to a conversation and then suddenly without warning I am back to my "crazy bitch" attitude when I like someone. I am becoming possessive and impossible to deal with. I don't know if it's just my hormones or it's really me, letting my heart take over.. yet again.


I know it's not your fault that you're so lovely, sweet, good to look at, honest, everything. I know. I want to ask you to please don't be yourself when you're around me because I don't know how long I can stop myself from kissing you every single time. I enjoy every bit of you. I want to indulge, to dive in your big bright smile. It's my favorite.


I really feel bad that I have to hide things from you. It's not that I don't trust you or anything. I just don't feel safe around other people. I don't understand myself completely but there are times when I also feel that you're just too good to be true. I don't know. Maybe my problem is not other people or you. Maybe my problem is myself. I am so damaged that I think everybody that comes close is as rotten as everybody else who came and left. I know you might never talk to me again upon finding out what I did. I won't argue if you decide to do that. I deserve worse if you ask me.


One day we'll live a normal life. One day I'll tell my friends about you and how wonderful you are. I just hope that one day comes without you leaving me and getting tired of all these.

I Will Die Single.

I am so full of myself and nobody will be able to stand me. I have more insecurities than the number of stars on a starry starry night. I hug so tight it suffocates the other person. I eat so much and I complain that I am fat even if people say that I am not. I am overly dramatic but not as overly annoying. I don't know how to treat other people. I'm too sensitive of my needs but insensitive of what other people need. I am such a crybaby and I always use my tears to get away with everything. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I don't think anyone can get me. EVER. No one will take that big risk of spending their life with me. Maybe some feeling "knight in shinning armor" guy will think that he can handle me but after sometime he'll give up. They always do. Because I am just too much of a work. I need a constant reminder that I am loved, preferably every 30 mins. Can you imagine? Every 30 freakin' minutes! I need my own space but I wouldn't give him his. I have trust issues and I think every guy is going to cheat on me. I spend most of my time complaining about other people and all that negative crap. I watch romantic movies and I am expecting every guy that I date to beat the story of Titanic. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I am not a good partner. As a matter of fact, I'm not even a good human being. So yes, I will die single. And I so deserve it.

.

Alam mo yung mga araw na hindi mo alam yung nararamdaman mo, basta alam mo lang may mali? Today is one of those days. I don't know kung arte ko lang ba to o sadyang nag-meeting lang talaga lahat ng hormones ko kaya sandamakmak na emosyon yung nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ako galit. Lahat na, lungkot, panghihinayang, saya, paghahanap ng kung ano, at kung ano ano pa nararamdaman ko pero yung galit wala. Kailangan maging malinaw ako don. Walang galit. Inis siguro pwede pa.. LOLJOKE.

Kanina iniisip ko, hanggang kelan ko pa kaya to mararamdaman? Kelan kaya ako makakatakas sa emosyong to.. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na din. Lagi na lang kaming naghahabulan, lagi din naman nya kong naaabutan, lagi din na ako yung umiiyak sa huli.

Naalala ko nung bata pa ko, nung sinimulan kong mag-bike minus the training wheels, bonggang bonggang sumemplang ako non. Dive kung dive sa mabatong kalsada. Matagal na yon.. Hindi ko na maalala kung gaano ako katagal umiyak dahil sa sakit o kung sino/ano ang nagpatahan sa akin. Ang naaalala ko lang.. masakit yung nangyari. May dugo, may sugat. Ngayon, wala na yung sakit, pero yung nangyari hindi ko pa din makalimutan. Yung peklat ko sa tuhod galing sa nangyari na yon, nandito pa din sa tuhod ko. Hindi na ata mabubura. KAHITKELAN.

Ganon talaga siguro sa lahat ng sugat. Lalo na yung mga sugat na wala namang physical projection. Yun yung mas malalalim kasi hindi mo pwedeng lagyan ng band aid, walang alcohol, walang bulak. Dugo lang ng dugo hanggang sa matuyo.

Naaalala ko pa yung sabi sakin ni Kaycee sa letter nya about a year ago.. Sabi nya ang tapang ko daw, kasi ilang beses na daw nya kong nakitang sumugal. Ilang beses na kong natalo pero hindi pa din ako nawawalan ng faith na isang araw makaka-chamba din ako. Siguro nga nakailan na ko.. Malulungkot kaya si Kayce kung sasabihin ko na wala na kong ganang subukan? Para inspiration nya ata ako tas bigla na kong aayaw.. Ang labo ko namang idol.. Pero bakit? Hindi naman nya malalaman ah. Bahala na nga.

Sa ngayon hindi ko talaga alam. Sa lahat naman ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao kahit maliit or malaki may epekto sayo eh. Kung magiging duwag man ako dahil sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, so be it. Okay lang. Ang importante alam ko na wala akong sinasaktang tao. Hihintayin ko na lang yung araw na may isang tao na magpapakita sakin na kaya ko pa kahit isang try pa ulit. Sana. Sana kaya ko pang maghintay.

The Ones That Got Away

AUG. 1, 2011 By KAT GEORGE

It was instant. We gravitated towards each other between the comings-and-goings of conversation and eating and drinking. One moment he’d be subsumed in the crowd of old friends and I’d be dipping carrot sticks in humus but it was like with every leap we took into the air we would fall, inevitably, back to earth. As soon as he’d disappear he’d be by my side again, or I by his, although we didn’t notice in those first few hours—that we didn’t want to be apart, that we belonged in each other’s orbit. It was a very special first meeting.

As the night progressed we separated, held together by text, and found each other again. He kissed me in a crowd of people, and after that we held hands until the morning. We went home and lay together, held each other, touched each other. We didn’t have sex but we stared into each other’s eyes, and fell asleep eventually, just so. In the afternoon we woke up and we kept holding hands, and for four days more our fingers remained intertwined.

At the end of it all, he had a plane to catch, a place to be that was not the place where I was, so I said goodbye. I felt a sort of relief—a weight lifted from me as the chance of falling in love careened down a runway, rushed upwards and sped into the distant north. But he still wanted me. He still called me up, convinced that we could make it work. He did not anticipate how stubborn my resolve would be. I was not going to have this long distance relationship with this perfect man who liked me because I was me and not in spite of it—I would not submit to the idyllic offerings before me.

And so the earth rearranged. My front yard filled with flowers and I found someone else—so did he. I descended into the emotional turmoil of a broken relationship and we eventually lost contact, only to find it again, much later, but again, very far apart. He still had someone new holding his hand, and I was alone again. Sometimes, I would think, “what if?” What I had’ve had the courage to trade in my spontaneous frivolity, my itchy feet, my adoration of my own wild adventures for what, as far as I could tell, was a partnership with a person over whose cogs mine ticked over in well oiled synchronicity?

We all have at least one proverbial The One That Got Away; some of us have more. That special someone that was a little bit too right at a time that was a little bit too wrong. That special someone who came along right when we were just starting to figure it all out; when we were so happy alone that the thought of sharing inspired anxiety instead of warmth. That special someone who, in our stubborn, selfish, impulsive state of mind was too easy to love so instead become a discarded edition in our already overflowing “too hard” basket.

So will come the day when you will be faced with regret—maybe because that person has forgotten you, maybe because they’re happy holding someone else’s hand. Or maybe it’s simply because the bitch hindsight whispers in your ear as you lay awake at night, reminding you always of your youthful arrogance. You feel ashamed of your foolhardy conceit, because really, that’s all it was that made you push that special someone away. And so maybe your regret is less about the absence of your special someone, and more about your own shame at your over-wrought self-importance and abhorrent expectations of what should or should not be at any given time. Either way, you feel restless.

play

source

Dapat Laging Handa

This is the second part of my kabaliwan over this Kenyan patient na crush na crush ko mula ulo hanggang paa.

So last Saturday, I was expecting him to come back for the Echocardiography Report and the result of his mother's TSH,T4 and T3 laboratory investigation. I wore my "lucky" headband, put on the most red lipstick with matching eyeshadow pa. I may have overdo it nga eh pero kebs, todo na to! Hahaha. Ayun lumipas ang umaga hulas na ang make-up ko wala pa din sya. Actually halos walang dumating na pasyente. Lungkot na lungkot ako kasi handang-handa pa naman ako. Alam mo na, nage-expect akong kukunin nya yung number ko. Hahaha. *feeling*

Evening came and I did the same. Make-up, plastered smile and headband. Naramdaman ko na na parang di na talaga sya dadating pero umasa pa din ako. Feeling ko kasi gusto nya talagang malaman yung sakit nya and concerned din sya sa nanay nya. Pero ayun. Bigo. Hindi dumating.

Kanina, ilang oras after ng simula ng duty ko dumating sya. Habang busyng-busy ako sa TMT room hindi ko alam na pinag-antay na naman pala sya ng magaling kong doctor. "stane bara fi marrid" sabi ni Baba. Sa isip-isip ko, fi marrid ka dyan eh chillax ka lang naman ako yung nandito. Anyway ayun edi natapos na yung TMT, ngarag ako. Paglabas ko nakita ko sa table yung laboratory report ng nanay ng crush ko. Nahulog yung puso ko. LOL. Syempre hindi ko na napigilan yung sarili ko.. I opened the door and pretended na busy ako since wala si doc, nasa TMT room pa. Tas ayun, nag-emerge sya kagaya ng inaasahan ko.. Ayiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Sabi nya "sister I gave the lab report to doctor". Pinigilan ko talagang kiligin pero ampogi pogi nya sa suot nyang red shirt and rugged jeans. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiihhhhhhhhh. Tapos ang ganda ganda ng buhok nyang kulot-kulot. Hahaha. Play it cool naman ako sabi ko "Okay just sit there and he'll come and talk to you (can I have your number?)" Hindi ko sinabi yung nasa loob ng parenthesis, sa isip ko lang yun. Hehe. Tas nagtanong tanong pa sya. Medyo natarayan ko ata. Kasi naman no!Kung kelan ako oily tsaka sya dadating. Leche. Ayun. Ganon lang. Umalis na sya. Umalis na sya and posibleng di na kami magkita poreber.

Naisip ko lang yung sinabi sakin dati nung friend kong si Uge, "Dapat lagi akong maganda kasi hindi ko alam kung kelan sya dadating. Kailangan handa ako para pagnanadyan na sya, walang masayang na panahon." May point si bakla. Simula ngayon, magiging handa na ko. Hindi dahil desperado ako or anything pero dahil kailangan. Kailangan hindi ko masayang yung oras kagaya ng mga oras na sinayang kong sa past. Kailangan lagi akong handa..

Saleh Mohammed Saleh Obadi

Ayiiiiiiii. Kilig na kilig lang ako sa pasyente namin na to. Sorry na lang sya dahil ipagkakalat ko yung buhay nya dito sa blog ko. :p

Nurse's Notes

13/7/2011

A 24 year old male, Kenyan patient came to Cardiology Clinic with complains of chest pain radiating to the back and arm, palpitation and difficulty of breathing. Vital signs taken with BP- 150/100mmhg PR-88bpm Temp.-37.4 degrees Celcius (ang hot lang) RR-17cpm. Seen and examined by me, brown eyes, curly dark brown hair, nice ass noted. Patient is about 6 foot tall with amazing chest and arm as seen even with his clothes on. Seen and examined by doctor, all normal. Doctor ordered for ECG. Patient came back from ER with ECG showing tracing within normal limits. Patient was given Concor 5mg for palpitation and above normal BP. Advised to come back after a week if the pain did not subside to do Echocardiography.

26/7/2011

A 40 year old female, Kenyan accompanied by son (my crush) went to the Cardiology Clinic with complains of chest pain and discomfort lasting for about 15 mins each occassion. Vital signs taken with BP 130/100mmhg PR-63bpm RR-20cpm Temp.-Normal. Seen and examined by doctor with orders made and carried out. Advised to come back tomorrow for Echocardiography to be approved by Insurance.

27/7/2011

Echo Room Notes

A 24 year old male, Kenyan patient came to have his first Echocardiography. Patient came in his blue built enhansing shirt and white cotton or something like that kind of fabric pants. He was just wearing slippers which is about 8-9 inches long. He came with his curly hair, his iPhone 4 and car keys as his accessories. Patient was instructed to take off his shirt (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH) and lie on his left side to position for the Echocardiography. Nurse was happy. Hahahahaha. Entered the patient information on the Echo machine slowly while checking the patient out each time an entry is finished (example: enter name, look at the patient who does not have his shirt on, back on the screen, enter age, look on the patient, feel happy, back on the screen,..) After 8749857407504 minutes, patient information was entered in the machine, advised the doctor that patient is ready for Echo. Doctor came blahblahblah. Echo done. Assited the patient to take off the KY jelly from his chest (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH). Patient dressed up came back to the nurse and said "thanks" then smiled. (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH). Nurse died and was burried happy.

HAHAHAHAHA. Yun lang. Masaya naman ako. Ang pogi pogi kasi. Nag-aaral sya sa London pero based dito yung family nya kaya nandito sya to visit his mom and dad. Medical course din ata. Hindi ko kasi masyadong maintindihan kasi Arabic yung Mommy nya. So kung nagtatanong kayo kung anong result ng Echo nya, ayun.. OKay naman yung heart function nya 68% ata pero meron syang Mitral Valve Prolapse. Super worried sya nung nalaman nya yun. Pero sabi naman ni doc, he can live a normal life, okay lang na daanin nya sa medicine. Pero kung gusto nya talaga ng surgery, pwede. Mas okay. Gusto ko nga sya i-comfort eh. LOL. Nakakainis pa to si doc hindi pa inoffer na i-Stress Test namin sya. Pag mga mababahong matatanda na Indian ino-offer nya i-TMT pero kapag hot na bata echo lang. Unfair eh. HAHAHAHA. Sa Stress Test kasi, tatakbo sya ng around 15 mins. sa Treadmill habang minomonitor yung reaction ng ECG and Vital signs nya. topless din sya non (hehe. manyak.) Pero dun, mas makakapag-usap kami kasi every 3 mins. tatanungin ko sya kng may pain sya or kung kung may problema, ako din magkakabit ng electrodes (ayiiii), tsaka magmo-monitor ng BP nya. Pagtapos na sya ako din yung tutulong sa kanya. Papainumin ng water, masahe, sleep, relax.. ay hindi pala kasama yon. Haha. Basta yun nga. Failed yung TMT project ko sa kanya. Tss. Anyway, babalik sya sa Saturday para sa Echo report nya tsaka sa laboratory result ng Mom nya. Ehhhhh. Kinikilig akooooo. Maghe-headband ako sa Saturday. :))))))))

Sister ELizabeth

I'v been here for more than 100 days now and I have come to the point where I was able to build good relationships with some people. One of them is Sister Elizabeth, she works as a medical transcriptionist in the hospital and I come to her for report almost every freaking day.

Even from the very beginning I see her as this calm, professional and warm mama. She's always polite and she does her job excellently. She even correct doctors sometimes. I think she's one of the few that really knows what she is doing in the entire hospital.

I like her so much because she kind of looks like my grandmother. Her skin, her smile, her warmth resembles Nanay so much. With all the nice things about her, you wouldn't think that she's is also having a hard time surviving. One time she told me that she's thinking of all the needs of the people around her but when it comes to her needs, nobody seems to notice. She even cried that time. Even if she refuse to tell me what's happening, I know that it's difficult for her. Despite those low days, she's still able to walk along with her warm smile which I like so much.

I remember her teaching me to the act of "doing them good". She told me that if other people are trying to push me or do something bad towards me, "do them good". It's like the old Filipino saying that goes like "Pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay.". Somewhat, it made sense. I don't know why these past few weeks I seem to forget my to watch my manners. I am the kind of person who when I hate someone, everything they do becomes annoying (breathing included). So yeah, I am guilty of hating everything that this particular person is doing.

I am so bad. It's not right. From today, I'll try to be like Sister Elizabeth. She holds maybe little or no grudges at all, she's so warm that you'd like to hug her everytime you see her, she's just full of good things. In this place where our families are way too far from us, I think the best thing to do is just to be good with one another.

Ate Chons and Ate Timmy

Naaalala ko pa nung unang dating ko dito. May dalawang babae na pumasok sa kwarto ko habang nag-aayos ako ng mga gamit. Kinakamusta ako, yung Pinas nagtatanong ng kung ano-ano. Si Timay and Chona.

Nasa same floor kami so almost every night nagkakasalubong kami sa hallway plus kasama ko pa sa common bathroom si Ate Timay kaya medyo kilala ko sila. Nagbibiruan, nag-aasaran tas minsan tamang ngitian lang.

Ngayong araw na to, naka-two years na sila dito kaya umuwi na sila sa Pilipinas.. Nakakainggit. Ano kayang feeling?

Nung mga nakaraang araw parang wala lang. Nag-eempake si Ate Timay, minsan naririnig ko pa yung sound ng paghila nya sa packing tape na gamit nya kasi katabi ko lang sya ng room. Araw-araw tinatanong ko si Ate Chona kung ready na syang ma-meet ulit yung ex nya na pinagpalit sya one year ata after nyang umalis.. Tapos kanina, umalis na talaga sila. Ang bilis.

Hindi ko naman talaga sila barkada. Hindi ko nga sila ganon kakilala eh. Pero kanina naiyak ako nung umiiyak na si Ate Timay. Ewan ko. Gusto ko kasi silang dalawa eh. Basta. Naalala ko one time nagsumbong pa ko kay Ate Chona. Nakakaiyak pa din everytime maaalala ko silang paalis until now. Siguro dahil naiinggit din ako kasi uuwi na sila tas ako taon pa binibilang ko or talagang na-attach ako sa kanila kahit na dapat hindi naman.

Natutuwa ako dahil natapos na nila yung responsibility nila sa ospital, well technically hindi pa pala pero basta. Quits quits na pagnakadalawang taon na. Sana makakita sila ng better na lugar para sa kanila. Alam ko magiging masaya sila sa pagkain ng baboy sa Pilipinas pero alam ko na kasabay ng pag-eenjoy na gagawin nila, nandyan din yung mga bagong/lumang bagay na kailangan na nilang harapin. Yung mga naiwan/tinakasan nilang bagay sa Pilipinas.. kailangan na nilang i-face. Sana nagkaron sila ng enough time para mag-isip dito.

Excited na ko sa mga gagawin nila sa Philippines at sa mga pagkaing ipinangako nilang ita-tag sakin para maasar ako. Gusto ko nang makita na naglalagay sila ng status sa Facebook na lilipat na sila ng Canada or Europe or whatever. Excited na ko.

Ang bilis bilis ng araw. Ang bilis halos hindi ko mahabol. Susunod nyan magigising ako na pauwi na din ako. Ready or not uuwi ako. Promise ko yan sa sarili ko. Tama ng pagtatago sa lahat ng bagay yung 2 years. Tama ng pag-pause ng buhay yung dalawang taon. Babalik ako ng Pilipinas in two years, kailangan magawa ko yun. May ipon man o wala. May babalikan man o wala na. Babalik ako.. Pareho nila Ate Timmy and Chons.

:(

It's amazing what you can do when you try

These past three months has been a life changing experience for me. I was able to do lots of things, things that I thought I will never be able to do. Below is my brag list of those things..

1. Cook for myself.

So far, I have tried cooking Chopsuey, Caldereta, Giniling, Sinigang and Ginataang Tilapya. Hahaha. If I was in the Philippines, I will never try to learn how to make such meals. My father is a very good cook so I let him own the kitchen. Here, I learned through force. I have no choice, if I don't cook, I won't eat. All I can say is that I eat what I cook so it means that they're edible.. at least.

2. Do the laundry.

Every two or three days I do my laundry. I have three uniforms (Mushkila!) and this month I don't have any free day (Alhamdulillah!). Whenever I talk to my mom on Skype and tell her that I am doing the laundry she always tell me "Wala ka nang ginawa dyan kundi maglaba!". My answer will be #ganyantalagasasaudi. Haha. Washing the clothes might sound easy but me I have my tired legs and back pain that makes it more difficuly. Well, everyone here does it so I am not excemption.

3. Budget

Years back, I experienced earning more than I need but as my salary gets bigger,my wants become more so I was not able to save. I know that I am really bad in handling money but here it's different. During my secnd month, I was able to purchase a Vaio Netbook. For me that says a lot about how I manage my money cosidering the long list of papers that I needed to pay for me to be able to work here legally. BUdgeting is one of the biggest challenges that I have here but Inshallah, I was able to keep up.

4. Save

I cannot really say that I have saved a solid amount of money by this time. It’s too early. All I know is that if I continue the way I handle my money like I do now, the future looks promising.

5. Avoid Commitments

So far, so good. No strings attached therefore no major heartache. I keep those I like as my friends and let them know what I like to do first. May the “AWESOMEST” wait for me.. Inshallah.

5. Speak a foreign language.

Until now, this is my major challenge but I am getting used to it. It helped that Arabic here is so broken that I don’t have to worry about grammar. Bahaden Inshallah ana kalam Arabi mafi mushkila. Inshallah.

Alhamdulillah!

play.

Dear Jesus,

Hindi ko po alam kung may saltik na ko pero feel na feel ko tong kantang to ni Lady Gaga na magin song ko for you. Unggoy na nga siguro ko kasi lagi akong nakakulong sa ospital or sa loob ng room ko. Haha. Basta gusto ko tong song na to for you.

Miss na miss ko na din po kayo. Bago ko umalis hindi ako nakadalaw sa bahay nyo. Ang bilis kasi ng mga nangyari eh. Ang bilis ng actions nyo sa mga prayers ko. Thanks po. Thank you for saving me from depression and probably self destruction.

Natutuwa po ako sa plans nyo para sa akin. May theory akong favorite nyo ko eh.. Haha. Feeling ako. Pero yun po talaga yung nararamdaman ko. Favorite nyo ko. Basta alam ko totoo yon. Hindi ko po sasayangin lahat ng opportunities na binibigay nyo sakin. Alam ko namang hindi to nangyayari araw araw sa buhay ng lahat ng tao. Lahat ng challenges nyo sakin hindi ko po uurungan. Kaya ko sila pero please po.. be gentle on me. I might be tough pero syempre minsan may mga topak din ako.

May topak na nga po ata ako kasi pati dito sinulatan ko kayo. Haha. Basta I want everyone to know how much I love you Lord. I will forever praise your name. Thank you po.