on a sad note

Yesterday my family and I received the heartbreaking news that out Tita Teng in Sta. Clara is on her final hours. She started saying her goodbyes and all. According to her sister, she started having high fever the night before and is having difficulty of breathing until she was rushed to the ER. Her life at that moment depends on the oxygen connected to her and the immediate family was advised to say goodbye and make the necessary decision on when they’ll “pull the plug”. My mom upon hearing the news sat on one corner and cried. It was the most awkward situation that I’ve been into for the past couple of years and I didn't know what to do. She then went to her room and I don’t know what she did after that. A while ago I saw a photo of Tita in the hospital posted by my cousin. The shot was taken from afar but I can tell that she’s in so much pain right now. Things like will the body be sent here or will they cremate the body were asked but her sister bluntly told us that “Well, anong magagawa natin? Hindi sya maiuuwi dyan. Walang pera.”Her kids are with her but the husband is still in the Philippines and due to some stuff that I don’t want to talk about, he wasn’t able to be there during the last hours of his wife. Life sucks just like that.

I don’t know what happens to people abroad but there’s something about them that changes when they’re there. Oh well, maybe not all of them. But most of them seem to become.. blunt. Like when they are here they’re this supper sarap and spicy adobo then when they get there they become some tasteless pasta without sauce. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I’d really like to talk about my Tita while she’s here. They spent maybe 15 years or more waiting for their visa to get to the states. All of them were able to go except for her husband because of technical stuff. I don’t know but what I can really remember is that she’s the cool one. When I was like 7, she lets us play videogames at their house every freakin’ Saturday. And when I say play, it means play all day nonstop. She wouldn’t even clean the house because it will bother our playing. She feeds us and even buy new tapes for us to use. When she was younger, I remember my mom told me that she’s the most beautiful among Lola Taba’s kids. She had the most number of suitors back in the day. I don’t remember her teaching me profound stuff like most of older people that I know but she taught me the kikay know how's. She's the one who did my makeup on my pre-school graduation. I also remember after she came back from the states a couple of years ago when she told me that if I am a girl I should own at least one diamond. Since then I started to aim on buying a necklace with diamond/s in it and of course a diamond ring which will be given by my prince charming. I wish. I know we haven’t talked for ages but I know in my heart that her passing will make me sad.

Tita Teng, you will be missed. I’ll remember your uber loud laugh every time you hear a joke or make fun of our relatives. You don’t have to worry about anything. You brought up your kids with love and understanding and I know they’ll do good in life. Especially Elaine, I know I don’t know “know” her but I can tell that she’s smart and strong and you don’t have to worry about her. I know Erwin is responsible and he’ll be a good Kuya for your little girl. You should really be proud of them.

“ticket-waiting” period

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I am very excited to leave my life in the Philippines then suddenly I realized that I am forgetting to live in the present. All day and night I obsess about finally getting my ticket and escaping the life that I have here. While I feel so stressed because the waiting is becoming way too long than expected I am still trying to keep things in place. There were a couple of stuff that I am supposed to do during the “ticket-waiting” period. One of which is to be able to maintain a certain amount of distance from the people that I am addicted to.. my family and my friends to be exact. Papa, upon knowing that I’m set to leave has been extra sweet lately. He’s been getting all the opportunity to go home more frequently than usual. He’s been a really sweet father even before but it feels a little different these days. I’m sure I’ll be spending a couple of nights sobbing due to the tremendous need to talk to my parents, sisters and my relatives, a couple more nights missing the food that we eat, the places that we go to and the inside jokes that never fail to make everyone die of laughter. While I am here, while I am with them, I know I should spend my days having good conversations and making them feel important. It feels like I’m writing a suicide note ah..

Another set of people that I must try to give a breathing space is my barkada. I can say I have the coolest, most sundry set of friends that I can never imagine my life living without. I love the crazy, goofy anything-under-the-sun talks that we have whether over expensive coffee or just mentos/yosi. In that far land where I am going, I was warned that it is dangerous for me to go out on my free day. My mother was very worried upon hearing that. She was like “Kaya mo ba yon? Wala dun sila Wawa..”. I quickly reminded her that Wawa has been in the states for a couple of months already and assured her that I can do that. I was a monk in my past life. Chos. Though I will be missing the coolest people on earth, I know that they’ll be missing me just the same. I am sure of that. Some of them even have lesbian tendencies towards me. Haha. I am also sure that they’ll be the ones who will CALL me because they know that during the first couple of months I wouldn’t be having any internet access whatsoever.

Yesterday, the agency told me that I’ll have two weeks before I get the ticket but long before that, I have already made another important house rule. I shall never get involved. I’ve been single for the past 6 months. Thank God time flies that fast. I don’t even feel a single thing anymore.. well, with me, I couldn’t be sure but I have made such huge progress.. really. Shut up CJ try to save all these for another entry. So as I was saying.. in those six months I’ve met a couple of people.. but never really went out on a date. I just talked to them and consumed a number of sulitxt and unlitxt subscriptions. I was really proud that I was able to keep the flirt button off. I hope I continue on doing that. If I’ll be staying here for two weeks.. I’ll have two weeks of declining the invitation of this very patient and nice guy. I’m still not even sure if this week is cleared. Since I am positive that nothing works long distance.. I will never give it another shot. Ever.

Third rule is to eat as much baboy as possible. Muslim countries don’t serve pork so that means I’ll be missing pork for a good 24 months. With that said.. I’m going to eat now. I will eat pork until I hear myself sing this song.

i can't even..

This is nothing but a rant about most of the guys and their "bulok" style. I don’t know if I’ll hate them or feel bad for them because I think bad dating habits means that you haven’t dated much. Or you’re just plain douche. It’s one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of dating. Para kasing mukhang tanga lang eh. Like, a few hours ago I was talking to this guy.. I've known him from work. He’s on a higher position so we were just hi and hello basis so I was so surprised when he texted me and talked to me like we’re two normal people (normal as in.. well you know what I mean). So yeah, I think in his case it’s the lack of dating experience that makes him act like a jerk during our talk because he seemed really decent and nice before. Now.. I can’t be too sure. He asked where I was and then texted me these exact words “Kita tayo ng Monday after shift ko 6:30 sa *insert location here*. Ok.>. I was so surprised because this is the first time someone told me to meet up without even asking if I’m okay about it. My initial reply was something like asking him if he’s into networking and stuff because he sounded like one. He told me yadda yadda, we’ll just have coffee blah blah. I told him ‘No. I can’t. Just see me if you want when I meet up with my friends (from the same company)’. I was annoyed by the way he ordered me to meet up and also afraid that he could be a rapist or something. His style was just so, i-wanna-have-coffee-with-you-I-don’t-care-if-you-don’t-feel-the-same-but-you-have-to-come. I may have said a couple of things to annoy him back until he stopped texting me. That guy was a major freak *Bendita tone*.

I am not sure if it’s just me who’s not ready to date and get to know other people or it’s the guys that I’ve been meeting lately who are obsolete. I remember telling a friend that the guy he likes for me bores me and hearing him say “Ang bongga ng Sis ko, umaayaw kay *insert name here *!”. Honestly, I was also shocked that I said that but then, that’s how I really feel about the situation even if I really like the person. It’s harder to be single especially if you don’t want to be available. The last thing that I need right at this moment is a person who’d bug me about stuff like saying goodnight or having dinner or every crappy thing that goes with the early stage of dating/relationships. I don’t want to date. I don’t want small talk. I’m not really in the mood for all that crap. Well, I don’t know if it’s healthy but whatever. The thing is, if I don’t eat I’ll die. Same thing as if I don’t date, I’ll end up with cats and dogs. For me that is not really a problem, though I pictured myself being a parent and all that, I can really do without a partner. Or can I? God. I haven’t been out on a date-date with anyone since my last relationship ended and it has been what? Six freakin’ months! So what now? Should I give dating a try again or no? Crap. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore so bye.

Pre-Departure Over Sagacity

The title does not have anything to do with the content of this blog. I wanted to have a title with the same acronym as the PDOS (a kind of seminar) that I have had a couple of days back. So since I brought the PDOS topic, I might as well tell you that yes, in any day from now I will be one of those we so call “OFW’s”. I am not psyched to be one of them even though I know that I was educated to be such primarily because of the effect of mass media to my parents and also because of their dream of a better future for me and them. On the contrary, I am not sad. Well, I am not all hyped and gaga about going abroad but I am glad that finally my career is going somewhere. Even if that somewhere means a thousand of miles away from the people that I love.

I started packing my main bag (and by main I mean the biggest of the three bags that I am planning to bring) but it’s not yet done since I still have a bunch of stuff to add to my supplies. Here’s a secret, I am indeed afraid to die of hunger in a foreign land. Hehe. Just thinking about the fact that I will not be able to eat pork in two years makes me cry.. no joke. If I talk about all the dishes that I am going to miss I’m sure, I can spend the whole day or more so I will stop talking about food now because it’s making me hungry.

I have a million of concerns when it comes to going abroad. I worry that my baggage might exceed the allowable weight for the flight. I worry that I may be wearing the wrong outfit once I land. I worry that my phone won’t work in Jeddah and that my parents and my not too many friends will not be able to contact me and they will think that I was “Flor Contemplacioned” or something. I worry that I won’t understand the doctors, patients and everybody not Filipino there. I worry that I might get loss in the middle of the dessert and the lack of skill of knowing east from west will make me die. I worry about a lot of things but right now my main concern is that I worry that my ticket won’t come.

It’s been nearly a week since I’ve had my PDOS and until now, I haven’t heard from my agency. I am bit happy about it because my sister is having a birthday party by the end of the week which I helped organize so I have to be there. After that, I know I’ll be all crazy thinking as to where that freakin’ agency placed the money that I paid them. The only assurance that I have is the fact that a very close friend was able to go abroad because of them but still, everybody has a different story.

Does this make sense? I mean I am saying that I want to go but not today nor in a couple of days. I am saying that I am so afraid and unsure of what I am about to do with my life well, who would be sure on leaving everything behind and starting form scratch? But I am also saying that I am happy because change means something and most of the time it’s positive. Well, right now I just so want to tell the world “Hey Bring It ON!”. I am so ready to take the next step. Though I am full of apprehensions, I know that I can do it and I don’t need to hear that from anyone else but me.