I have been thinking about us a lot though... all the moments... I'd thought we could survive anything. But... now for the first time in a really long time, I'm happy. Before I left, you said something that I tried not to hear, but now I... I think you were right. If a relationship can't move forward, it withers. I've been waiting for you to decide, but sometimes, not making a decision is making a decision. What I'm trying to say is... you don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm good. I'm really good. And honestly, I think it's better this way. - CSI

It sucks to admit that sometimes, there are certain scenes in your life that you want to edit or even delete. It's like wanting to not sleep every afternoon when you were a kid and then looking back and saying "Man what was I thinking?" or seeing your first love and asking "Man what was I thinking?". There is always this one scene in our life which defines the type of person that we are. The thing is, you don't know if that scene showed that you're a coward or you're brave, your actions pathetic or scheming and if the decision is a smart or dumb one. You'll memorize each touch, you'll recall every word and you know that it's your heart did most of the talking but whether what you did is right or not.. Not even you can tell. When you look back after so and so years you'll realize that the answer to your question is just right there all along.

MINUS 4588548585548854158485 GIRLFRIEND POINTS

So it was my boyfriend's birthday last Friday. I can remember clearly that last year I planned this surprise party for him together with a bunch of friends and got the "Sweetest Girlfriend Award" for being able to organize such. That was the very first time in my entire existence that I ever did something like that. This year however, I don't have anything for my boyfriend's birthday. All I did was to post the generic Happy Birthday greeting on his Facebook Wall. Yesterday, after his birthday I had the privilege to gaze at the starts and think. And in the stillness of the night I remembered last year's celebration. It made me cry a bit and miss him even more. I miss him everyday of my life but I miss him more today. I realized that I am being a lazy girlfriend and I don't want to be like that. Well my reason for not being able to give him a gift is because I am unemployed and I don't have the money to buy him something that he "deserve". I actually have this gift that I bought for him for Christmas that I wasn't able to give him because somebody needed something and she borrowed it from me so I thought, maybe I'll just give it to him next time, he doesn't need it that bad anyway. So yeah, until this day that gift is nowhere to be found. *eyeroll* Given the circumstances, I suppose it is still my responsibility to look for something that will make him feel special even if it is not expensive because after all, it is his special day. But you see, my boyfriend has become this anti-corny/cheesy things since he left for the states. It is actually one of the reasons why I am keeping this blog to myself because I don't him to see how head over heels corny/cheesy I am for him. Poor me. I decided not to do anything that might embarrass him in front of everybody because most of the time, the sweet non-expensive usually free gifts requires the giver to do something for the receiver in front of practically the whole world. And I decided not to do that. And now I am sad. I feel really bad for not going the extra mile for him. I mean, he means a lot to me and he's so special. I just thought he deserves nothing less so I don't want to do some mediocre moves that I know he won't like. I don't know. I don't think I impress him anymore and on his birthday, I didn't even tried. I guess I just feel bad about it. And I just miss him. So much.

"SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE"

It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, happier life. As children, we're told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults we're told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses half full. Sometimes reality can get in our way of the ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in thee moments when you just want to get real, drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple...to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying to be the happy people we once were until eventually it hits us...it's been there all along. Not in dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

GREY'S ANATOMY

World Spins Madly On

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

- The Weepies

It was another wasted day of my life, probably better that the past ones where I just sat and stared. Today is a bit special. I walked with heels. Talked a bit and then that was it. Though I exerted a bit effort, it ended up with the same scenario. No good news today I guess. Like every freaking day.

My toes were bleeding as I sat on the swing after waiting for some kids to let go of them. I looked at the trees branching over the playground trying to find the sun. It's not there. I can't seem to find it. "It's half past five" I mentally reminded myself "That's the reason why the sun's not there. Dumbass." I felt exhausted and wretched and looking above made me feel better. I talked to the sky and I asked him to hug me just because I need it so bad. But just like everything that I have ever needed, hoped for and wanted, I can not have it. A simple hug. The touch of a consoling soul on my slowly collapsing heart. And I can't have it. One can only take too much and I am near too much.

Nevertheless, the nothingness of the sky is tells me something, it's giving me something. It is close to hope but it's not exactly it. Hope will let you down one day and I am not a fan of that. When I heard The Weepies say "Woke up and wished that I was dead with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed", I closed my eyes. I let everything that's been stopping me exuviate from my whole being. It was just me, the music, the swing and the sky. And for a good two minutes in a long time, I felt good. Real good.

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on...

Dear Mama,

I love you.

There is a reason why I began this by telling you how you mean to me. I know you're going through a lot lately and I also know that I haven't been that much help. I'm sorry. I know it's my time to give back to you everything that you've done for me but I'm just so fucked up right now so sorry for the delay.

You told me that I will be the best if I put my heart in anything that I do. I think you always see me do good at things you ask me to do that's why you always push me unto doing something. Maybe that's good. Or not. I know I should be thankful that I have you as my mother because you've always been there for me. But then, I kind of hate it when you tell me what to do and don't let me choose what I want to do. Oh well, what's good with me wanting to wait for something impossible right? But Ma, do you realize that it's like you're telling me that all my plans are not possible? Hearing the semi-truth (I still have hope) coming from you, it sucks.

I'm done writing my resume for some stinky job. I want to be able to nail the interview tomorrow so that I could give you some good news because you've been flooded by bad news recently. Most of them coming from me. I love you and I'm sorry that things are not working the way we planned them to be. I'm going to make things better. I promise.

Happy Mothers' Day.