I Will Die Single.

I am so full of myself and nobody will be able to stand me. I have more insecurities than the number of stars on a starry starry night. I hug so tight it suffocates the other person. I eat so much and I complain that I am fat even if people say that I am not. I am overly dramatic but not as overly annoying. I don't know how to treat other people. I'm too sensitive of my needs but insensitive of what other people need. I am such a crybaby and I always use my tears to get away with everything. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I don't think anyone can get me. EVER. No one will take that big risk of spending their life with me. Maybe some feeling "knight in shinning armor" guy will think that he can handle me but after sometime he'll give up. They always do. Because I am just too much of a work. I need a constant reminder that I am loved, preferably every 30 mins. Can you imagine? Every 30 freakin' minutes! I need my own space but I wouldn't give him his. I have trust issues and I think every guy is going to cheat on me. I spend most of my time complaining about other people and all that negative crap. I watch romantic movies and I am expecting every guy that I date to beat the story of Titanic. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I am not a good partner. As a matter of fact, I'm not even a good human being. So yes, I will die single. And I so deserve it.

.

Alam mo yung mga araw na hindi mo alam yung nararamdaman mo, basta alam mo lang may mali? Today is one of those days. I don't know kung arte ko lang ba to o sadyang nag-meeting lang talaga lahat ng hormones ko kaya sandamakmak na emosyon yung nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ako galit. Lahat na, lungkot, panghihinayang, saya, paghahanap ng kung ano, at kung ano ano pa nararamdaman ko pero yung galit wala. Kailangan maging malinaw ako don. Walang galit. Inis siguro pwede pa.. LOLJOKE.

Kanina iniisip ko, hanggang kelan ko pa kaya to mararamdaman? Kelan kaya ako makakatakas sa emosyong to.. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na din. Lagi na lang kaming naghahabulan, lagi din naman nya kong naaabutan, lagi din na ako yung umiiyak sa huli.

Naalala ko nung bata pa ko, nung sinimulan kong mag-bike minus the training wheels, bonggang bonggang sumemplang ako non. Dive kung dive sa mabatong kalsada. Matagal na yon.. Hindi ko na maalala kung gaano ako katagal umiyak dahil sa sakit o kung sino/ano ang nagpatahan sa akin. Ang naaalala ko lang.. masakit yung nangyari. May dugo, may sugat. Ngayon, wala na yung sakit, pero yung nangyari hindi ko pa din makalimutan. Yung peklat ko sa tuhod galing sa nangyari na yon, nandito pa din sa tuhod ko. Hindi na ata mabubura. KAHITKELAN.

Ganon talaga siguro sa lahat ng sugat. Lalo na yung mga sugat na wala namang physical projection. Yun yung mas malalalim kasi hindi mo pwedeng lagyan ng band aid, walang alcohol, walang bulak. Dugo lang ng dugo hanggang sa matuyo.

Naaalala ko pa yung sabi sakin ni Kaycee sa letter nya about a year ago.. Sabi nya ang tapang ko daw, kasi ilang beses na daw nya kong nakitang sumugal. Ilang beses na kong natalo pero hindi pa din ako nawawalan ng faith na isang araw makaka-chamba din ako. Siguro nga nakailan na ko.. Malulungkot kaya si Kayce kung sasabihin ko na wala na kong ganang subukan? Para inspiration nya ata ako tas bigla na kong aayaw.. Ang labo ko namang idol.. Pero bakit? Hindi naman nya malalaman ah. Bahala na nga.

Sa ngayon hindi ko talaga alam. Sa lahat naman ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao kahit maliit or malaki may epekto sayo eh. Kung magiging duwag man ako dahil sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, so be it. Okay lang. Ang importante alam ko na wala akong sinasaktang tao. Hihintayin ko na lang yung araw na may isang tao na magpapakita sakin na kaya ko pa kahit isang try pa ulit. Sana. Sana kaya ko pang maghintay.

The Ones That Got Away

AUG. 1, 2011 By KAT GEORGE

It was instant. We gravitated towards each other between the comings-and-goings of conversation and eating and drinking. One moment he’d be subsumed in the crowd of old friends and I’d be dipping carrot sticks in humus but it was like with every leap we took into the air we would fall, inevitably, back to earth. As soon as he’d disappear he’d be by my side again, or I by his, although we didn’t notice in those first few hours—that we didn’t want to be apart, that we belonged in each other’s orbit. It was a very special first meeting.

As the night progressed we separated, held together by text, and found each other again. He kissed me in a crowd of people, and after that we held hands until the morning. We went home and lay together, held each other, touched each other. We didn’t have sex but we stared into each other’s eyes, and fell asleep eventually, just so. In the afternoon we woke up and we kept holding hands, and for four days more our fingers remained intertwined.

At the end of it all, he had a plane to catch, a place to be that was not the place where I was, so I said goodbye. I felt a sort of relief—a weight lifted from me as the chance of falling in love careened down a runway, rushed upwards and sped into the distant north. But he still wanted me. He still called me up, convinced that we could make it work. He did not anticipate how stubborn my resolve would be. I was not going to have this long distance relationship with this perfect man who liked me because I was me and not in spite of it—I would not submit to the idyllic offerings before me.

And so the earth rearranged. My front yard filled with flowers and I found someone else—so did he. I descended into the emotional turmoil of a broken relationship and we eventually lost contact, only to find it again, much later, but again, very far apart. He still had someone new holding his hand, and I was alone again. Sometimes, I would think, “what if?” What I had’ve had the courage to trade in my spontaneous frivolity, my itchy feet, my adoration of my own wild adventures for what, as far as I could tell, was a partnership with a person over whose cogs mine ticked over in well oiled synchronicity?

We all have at least one proverbial The One That Got Away; some of us have more. That special someone that was a little bit too right at a time that was a little bit too wrong. That special someone who came along right when we were just starting to figure it all out; when we were so happy alone that the thought of sharing inspired anxiety instead of warmth. That special someone who, in our stubborn, selfish, impulsive state of mind was too easy to love so instead become a discarded edition in our already overflowing “too hard” basket.

So will come the day when you will be faced with regret—maybe because that person has forgotten you, maybe because they’re happy holding someone else’s hand. Or maybe it’s simply because the bitch hindsight whispers in your ear as you lay awake at night, reminding you always of your youthful arrogance. You feel ashamed of your foolhardy conceit, because really, that’s all it was that made you push that special someone away. And so maybe your regret is less about the absence of your special someone, and more about your own shame at your over-wrought self-importance and abhorrent expectations of what should or should not be at any given time. Either way, you feel restless.

play

source

Dapat Laging Handa

This is the second part of my kabaliwan over this Kenyan patient na crush na crush ko mula ulo hanggang paa.

So last Saturday, I was expecting him to come back for the Echocardiography Report and the result of his mother's TSH,T4 and T3 laboratory investigation. I wore my "lucky" headband, put on the most red lipstick with matching eyeshadow pa. I may have overdo it nga eh pero kebs, todo na to! Hahaha. Ayun lumipas ang umaga hulas na ang make-up ko wala pa din sya. Actually halos walang dumating na pasyente. Lungkot na lungkot ako kasi handang-handa pa naman ako. Alam mo na, nage-expect akong kukunin nya yung number ko. Hahaha. *feeling*

Evening came and I did the same. Make-up, plastered smile and headband. Naramdaman ko na na parang di na talaga sya dadating pero umasa pa din ako. Feeling ko kasi gusto nya talagang malaman yung sakit nya and concerned din sya sa nanay nya. Pero ayun. Bigo. Hindi dumating.

Kanina, ilang oras after ng simula ng duty ko dumating sya. Habang busyng-busy ako sa TMT room hindi ko alam na pinag-antay na naman pala sya ng magaling kong doctor. "stane bara fi marrid" sabi ni Baba. Sa isip-isip ko, fi marrid ka dyan eh chillax ka lang naman ako yung nandito. Anyway ayun edi natapos na yung TMT, ngarag ako. Paglabas ko nakita ko sa table yung laboratory report ng nanay ng crush ko. Nahulog yung puso ko. LOL. Syempre hindi ko na napigilan yung sarili ko.. I opened the door and pretended na busy ako since wala si doc, nasa TMT room pa. Tas ayun, nag-emerge sya kagaya ng inaasahan ko.. Ayiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Sabi nya "sister I gave the lab report to doctor". Pinigilan ko talagang kiligin pero ampogi pogi nya sa suot nyang red shirt and rugged jeans. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiihhhhhhhhh. Tapos ang ganda ganda ng buhok nyang kulot-kulot. Hahaha. Play it cool naman ako sabi ko "Okay just sit there and he'll come and talk to you (can I have your number?)" Hindi ko sinabi yung nasa loob ng parenthesis, sa isip ko lang yun. Hehe. Tas nagtanong tanong pa sya. Medyo natarayan ko ata. Kasi naman no!Kung kelan ako oily tsaka sya dadating. Leche. Ayun. Ganon lang. Umalis na sya. Umalis na sya and posibleng di na kami magkita poreber.

Naisip ko lang yung sinabi sakin dati nung friend kong si Uge, "Dapat lagi akong maganda kasi hindi ko alam kung kelan sya dadating. Kailangan handa ako para pagnanadyan na sya, walang masayang na panahon." May point si bakla. Simula ngayon, magiging handa na ko. Hindi dahil desperado ako or anything pero dahil kailangan. Kailangan hindi ko masayang yung oras kagaya ng mga oras na sinayang kong sa past. Kailangan lagi akong handa..

Saleh Mohammed Saleh Obadi

Ayiiiiiiii. Kilig na kilig lang ako sa pasyente namin na to. Sorry na lang sya dahil ipagkakalat ko yung buhay nya dito sa blog ko. :p

Nurse's Notes

13/7/2011

A 24 year old male, Kenyan patient came to Cardiology Clinic with complains of chest pain radiating to the back and arm, palpitation and difficulty of breathing. Vital signs taken with BP- 150/100mmhg PR-88bpm Temp.-37.4 degrees Celcius (ang hot lang) RR-17cpm. Seen and examined by me, brown eyes, curly dark brown hair, nice ass noted. Patient is about 6 foot tall with amazing chest and arm as seen even with his clothes on. Seen and examined by doctor, all normal. Doctor ordered for ECG. Patient came back from ER with ECG showing tracing within normal limits. Patient was given Concor 5mg for palpitation and above normal BP. Advised to come back after a week if the pain did not subside to do Echocardiography.

26/7/2011

A 40 year old female, Kenyan accompanied by son (my crush) went to the Cardiology Clinic with complains of chest pain and discomfort lasting for about 15 mins each occassion. Vital signs taken with BP 130/100mmhg PR-63bpm RR-20cpm Temp.-Normal. Seen and examined by doctor with orders made and carried out. Advised to come back tomorrow for Echocardiography to be approved by Insurance.

27/7/2011

Echo Room Notes

A 24 year old male, Kenyan patient came to have his first Echocardiography. Patient came in his blue built enhansing shirt and white cotton or something like that kind of fabric pants. He was just wearing slippers which is about 8-9 inches long. He came with his curly hair, his iPhone 4 and car keys as his accessories. Patient was instructed to take off his shirt (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH) and lie on his left side to position for the Echocardiography. Nurse was happy. Hahahahaha. Entered the patient information on the Echo machine slowly while checking the patient out each time an entry is finished (example: enter name, look at the patient who does not have his shirt on, back on the screen, enter age, look on the patient, feel happy, back on the screen,..) After 8749857407504 minutes, patient information was entered in the machine, advised the doctor that patient is ready for Echo. Doctor came blahblahblah. Echo done. Assited the patient to take off the KY jelly from his chest (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH). Patient dressed up came back to the nurse and said "thanks" then smiled. (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH). Nurse died and was burried happy.

HAHAHAHAHA. Yun lang. Masaya naman ako. Ang pogi pogi kasi. Nag-aaral sya sa London pero based dito yung family nya kaya nandito sya to visit his mom and dad. Medical course din ata. Hindi ko kasi masyadong maintindihan kasi Arabic yung Mommy nya. So kung nagtatanong kayo kung anong result ng Echo nya, ayun.. OKay naman yung heart function nya 68% ata pero meron syang Mitral Valve Prolapse. Super worried sya nung nalaman nya yun. Pero sabi naman ni doc, he can live a normal life, okay lang na daanin nya sa medicine. Pero kung gusto nya talaga ng surgery, pwede. Mas okay. Gusto ko nga sya i-comfort eh. LOL. Nakakainis pa to si doc hindi pa inoffer na i-Stress Test namin sya. Pag mga mababahong matatanda na Indian ino-offer nya i-TMT pero kapag hot na bata echo lang. Unfair eh. HAHAHAHA. Sa Stress Test kasi, tatakbo sya ng around 15 mins. sa Treadmill habang minomonitor yung reaction ng ECG and Vital signs nya. topless din sya non (hehe. manyak.) Pero dun, mas makakapag-usap kami kasi every 3 mins. tatanungin ko sya kng may pain sya or kung kung may problema, ako din magkakabit ng electrodes (ayiiii), tsaka magmo-monitor ng BP nya. Pagtapos na sya ako din yung tutulong sa kanya. Papainumin ng water, masahe, sleep, relax.. ay hindi pala kasama yon. Haha. Basta yun nga. Failed yung TMT project ko sa kanya. Tss. Anyway, babalik sya sa Saturday para sa Echo report nya tsaka sa laboratory result ng Mom nya. Ehhhhh. Kinikilig akooooo. Maghe-headband ako sa Saturday. :))))))))

Sister ELizabeth

I'v been here for more than 100 days now and I have come to the point where I was able to build good relationships with some people. One of them is Sister Elizabeth, she works as a medical transcriptionist in the hospital and I come to her for report almost every freaking day.

Even from the very beginning I see her as this calm, professional and warm mama. She's always polite and she does her job excellently. She even correct doctors sometimes. I think she's one of the few that really knows what she is doing in the entire hospital.

I like her so much because she kind of looks like my grandmother. Her skin, her smile, her warmth resembles Nanay so much. With all the nice things about her, you wouldn't think that she's is also having a hard time surviving. One time she told me that she's thinking of all the needs of the people around her but when it comes to her needs, nobody seems to notice. She even cried that time. Even if she refuse to tell me what's happening, I know that it's difficult for her. Despite those low days, she's still able to walk along with her warm smile which I like so much.

I remember her teaching me to the act of "doing them good". She told me that if other people are trying to push me or do something bad towards me, "do them good". It's like the old Filipino saying that goes like "Pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay.". Somewhat, it made sense. I don't know why these past few weeks I seem to forget my to watch my manners. I am the kind of person who when I hate someone, everything they do becomes annoying (breathing included). So yeah, I am guilty of hating everything that this particular person is doing.

I am so bad. It's not right. From today, I'll try to be like Sister Elizabeth. She holds maybe little or no grudges at all, she's so warm that you'd like to hug her everytime you see her, she's just full of good things. In this place where our families are way too far from us, I think the best thing to do is just to be good with one another.

Ate Chons and Ate Timmy

Naaalala ko pa nung unang dating ko dito. May dalawang babae na pumasok sa kwarto ko habang nag-aayos ako ng mga gamit. Kinakamusta ako, yung Pinas nagtatanong ng kung ano-ano. Si Timay and Chona.

Nasa same floor kami so almost every night nagkakasalubong kami sa hallway plus kasama ko pa sa common bathroom si Ate Timay kaya medyo kilala ko sila. Nagbibiruan, nag-aasaran tas minsan tamang ngitian lang.

Ngayong araw na to, naka-two years na sila dito kaya umuwi na sila sa Pilipinas.. Nakakainggit. Ano kayang feeling?

Nung mga nakaraang araw parang wala lang. Nag-eempake si Ate Timay, minsan naririnig ko pa yung sound ng paghila nya sa packing tape na gamit nya kasi katabi ko lang sya ng room. Araw-araw tinatanong ko si Ate Chona kung ready na syang ma-meet ulit yung ex nya na pinagpalit sya one year ata after nyang umalis.. Tapos kanina, umalis na talaga sila. Ang bilis.

Hindi ko naman talaga sila barkada. Hindi ko nga sila ganon kakilala eh. Pero kanina naiyak ako nung umiiyak na si Ate Timay. Ewan ko. Gusto ko kasi silang dalawa eh. Basta. Naalala ko one time nagsumbong pa ko kay Ate Chona. Nakakaiyak pa din everytime maaalala ko silang paalis until now. Siguro dahil naiinggit din ako kasi uuwi na sila tas ako taon pa binibilang ko or talagang na-attach ako sa kanila kahit na dapat hindi naman.

Natutuwa ako dahil natapos na nila yung responsibility nila sa ospital, well technically hindi pa pala pero basta. Quits quits na pagnakadalawang taon na. Sana makakita sila ng better na lugar para sa kanila. Alam ko magiging masaya sila sa pagkain ng baboy sa Pilipinas pero alam ko na kasabay ng pag-eenjoy na gagawin nila, nandyan din yung mga bagong/lumang bagay na kailangan na nilang harapin. Yung mga naiwan/tinakasan nilang bagay sa Pilipinas.. kailangan na nilang i-face. Sana nagkaron sila ng enough time para mag-isip dito.

Excited na ko sa mga gagawin nila sa Philippines at sa mga pagkaing ipinangako nilang ita-tag sakin para maasar ako. Gusto ko nang makita na naglalagay sila ng status sa Facebook na lilipat na sila ng Canada or Europe or whatever. Excited na ko.

Ang bilis bilis ng araw. Ang bilis halos hindi ko mahabol. Susunod nyan magigising ako na pauwi na din ako. Ready or not uuwi ako. Promise ko yan sa sarili ko. Tama ng pagtatago sa lahat ng bagay yung 2 years. Tama ng pag-pause ng buhay yung dalawang taon. Babalik ako ng Pilipinas in two years, kailangan magawa ko yun. May ipon man o wala. May babalikan man o wala na. Babalik ako.. Pareho nila Ate Timmy and Chons.

:(