one.

One year done, one more to go. I’m psyched that just like that, a year away from my family, the language that I speak and the life that I know is over. I have one more year left and instead of felling exhausted about it, I feel the opposite. I am in a “bring it on!!!” mood. By the help of God, I was able to start working in a good area in the hospital where I work and I am excited to learn brand new things. I know I am getting older and I am happy that even if that’s the case, I am still hungry. Hungry to learn, hungry for pressure, all I want is more.

My life in Jeddah is both dull and exciting. If I look at it in a daily basis, it keeps on repeating. Same bananas every freaking day. But if you go inside each day, if you cut it into pieces, I can say that I am a daredevil. Here I was able to try things that I planned on trying long before but wasn’t able to. They all fall in front of me and all I had to do is to accept or reject it. And guess what? I said “yes” to them all! It felt really good.

In the next couple of days, I am trying more new stuff. They might get me into trouble but I don’t care. I know I am in good hands. I know that the friends that I have here are good. They have my back and I have theirs.

Blessings (Laura Story)

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, prosperity.
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, You hear each spoken need.
Your love is too way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love.
As if every promise from Your word is not enough.

All, the while, You hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win;
We know that pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life;
Is a revealing of greater thirst that a world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights;
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Nanay

One day, I decided to keep my roaming mobile on my cabinet for me not to see the messages anymore because they are just so upsetting (just like a few seconds ago). It was kept there for about a month when I opened it last week and saw a message from my Nanay. She told me how much she misses me and how much she wish that I am back home for Christmas.

If you ask me, I miss Nanay more than anything in the Philippines. She always have this accepting warmth. Whatever I do she understands and tries to explain my side. And in the end if I come out wrong, she will nevertheless hug me and tell me that it's okay, she will love me just the same.

I remember the things that Nanay did for me. I remember her opening the door when I come home from a party at 3am. I remember her fetching me because it is too dangerous for me to walk home. I remember her giving me money during the time that I was unemployed and I did not know what to do with my life. I remember her not asking for anything, anything even if she knows that I am capable of giving her already. I remember her sobbing everytime one of us is sick or wronged

I may not be able to say this everyday but I have the best grandmother in the entire planet.

I love you Nanay!

Para Lang Alam Mo

Nakakataw lang. Na medyo nakakaiyak. Meron ba sa mga tao sa Pilipinas ang may alam kung pano tumira sa ibang bansa para magtrabaho? Wala. Hindi nila alam hanggang hindi sila yung nakaka-experience nito first hand. Hindi nila alam kung pano yung feeling. Hindi nila alam.

Inaamin ko guilty din ako dahil dati nung nasa Pilipinas ako may ilang tao akong jinudge dahil feeling ko nagbabago sila dahil nasa ibang bansa sila. Ganon yata talaga yung pakiramdam kapag nasa Pilipinas ka at hindi nakikita lahat ng hirap sa ibang bansa. Kapag nakikita mo lang yung masasayang tweets and wall posts ng taong malayo sa Pilipinas na pilit na inaaliw ang sarili kahit sa simple pagkain lang ng boy bawang, polvoron and chicharon.

Hindi alam ng mga tao sa Pilipinas kung pano nagkakanda pilipit pilipit ang dila namin sapagsasalita ng language na sobrang layo sa ginagamit ng mga pinoy. Hindi nila alam yung pakiramdam ng nasisigawan ng mga taong parang hindi ka kayang igalang dahil Pilipino ka or dahil alam nilang mas mababa ka kesa sa kanila. Hindi nila alam kung ganon kahirap maglaba at mamalantsa pagkagaling sa tabaho para may maisuot kinabukasan habang nagluluto ng pagkain. Wala silang clue kung gaano kahirap yung gusto mong pasayahin yung sarili mo pero iniisip mo na kesa ibili mo ng pansarili mong gamit yung sweldo mo, ipapadala mo na lang para kahit papano matuwa naman sila sayo. Yung kahit tipirin mo na yung pasko mo basta makapagbigay ka lang ng pang pasko nila.

Mahirap manumbat dahil wala naman akong tinutulong. Nagbibigay lang ako kung kelan ko gusto. Iniipon ko kasi yung pera ko. Kasi alam ko pag-uwi ko may mga maniningil sa akin ng mga utang na hindi ko na alam kung bat lumaki ng ganon. Ayoko lang na pag-uwi ko may marinig ako na gaking ako sa abroad pero wala akong pera. Which I will probably hear anyways. Kasi nga wala namang matitira sa akin. Hindi ko pa sinusweldo may ponaglalaanan na agad. Wala na agad sa kamay ko.

Sabi ko ayoko na dito. Sabi ko pag-uwi ko hahanap ako ng mas magandang lugar. Na stepping stone ko lang to. Pero bat ganon? Pagdating ko sa Pilipinas feeling ko back to zero ako. Ipangbabayad ko lang sa utang lahat ng pera kong maiipon tapos hindi ko manlang matutulungan yung sarili kong magsimula.

Ang sama ng loob ko. Pero wala naman akong magagawa. Ganon eh. Ginawa ko lang to, para lang alam mo. Para lang maalala mo. Para naman hindi ko lang to kinikimkim dito.

What Is Hadness?

OCT. 10, 2011

By DAISY ALIOTO

Hadness: happiness that we know is temporal and therefore registers more like sadness, the heart-pinching intuition that what you currently “have” will soon be something you “had.”

Hadness is not the same as pleasure, which is necessarily and by nature brief– a modicum of burning matter. Hadness is the hand you hold for one night, and the memory of the slightly scarred knuckle that far outlasts any trace of its owner in your life.

I tried to talk to one of my friends about hadness and she denied any knowledge of the emotion. Instead, she turned the question on me, at which point I admitted that I feel this way quite a lot. Her apparent blissful ignorance of the emotion initially put me off, but I know that I didn’t make it up because I’ve glimpsed elements of hadness in popular culture.

In the movie Elizabethtown, failed shoe-designer Drew Baylor explains, “I have recently become a secret connoisseur of last looks. You know the way people look at you when they believe it’s for the last time…? There’s one right now.” Drew’s collection of “last looks” hints that human beings can, or at least think they can, anticipate emotional pain. And doesn’t it also follow that this acute sense taints our happiness at certain times?

Or take a passage from the book Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, (which in the spirit of personal tradition I have read at least once a year since I was 14.) The main character, Lee, is discussing the demise of her relationship with another senior at her prep school.

Sittenfeld writes, “I thought of how many times I’d wondered if things were awry between us, if I was displeasing him or if he’d lost interest. All those times, I’d suppressed my impulse to ask…because—and I understood this now—you really don’t need to ask. When it was over, you knew.”

I guess you could sum up this point as such: the way a thing will end is written in its beginning. That the kiss you suddenly know will be your last returns to one telling point—rendering the ray a circle.

That initial point, that evasion of infinity, is the gesture of one person reaching out to another beyond their orbit. And aren’t we always coming or going, playing the departed or the left?

I’d like to think if I’m careful enough I will not read the story of my impending loneliness in the veins of a lover’s closed eyelids—but I know that’s not true. Hadness can lurk even in the warmest of shadows.

I guess in those moments I’ll return to pop culture to assure myself that I’m wrong. I’ll remember that Drew’s newfound lover Claire mimics taking a picture of him with her hands the first time he walks away– and maybe that small gesture of memory’s futile hope was the mettle that brought them together again.

The Things That I Never Said

It was the fastest most exhilarating love story that I've had. He was just hanging around while I was killing time. In the midst of the Jeddah heat during Ramadan, we found each other. We instantly clicked. I loved his pouty lips and he loved my chinky eyes. Everything started out very platonic but deep inside I knew, we both wanted more. So much more.

Everytime I talk to him I feel like I was in highschool again. Everything seemed so dangerous yet I enjoyed every single moment. It was so surreal. It was perfect. We were perfect. I even thought that we are soulmates because we shared the same birthday. I feel like floating in the sky with the way he talk to me. He understands me like no one else here in this foreign land. And I don't know if it's just me and my mind playing tricks on me but I think.. he really did fall in love with me. I felt the same.. but I did not tell him. I'm such a pussy I know.

One day when I was so afraid that I am feeling something so strong, I decided to stop. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but I did it anyway because I know that I am not capable of handling this kind of love anymore. The kind that will sweep me off my feet. The kind that writers write about.. that crazy, intense but dangerous kind of love. No, I don't think I can handle it anymore. I lost my confidence on gambling so much for that kind of love.. The kind that most of the time doesn't last. If I put my self in that kind of situation again and then in the end thing won't work out.. I know I will lose my mind, I will lose myself. I.Can.Never.Afford.To.Lose.Myself.Ever.Again.

My mind tells me that I am doing the right thing, protecting myself and keeping my focus on my game but my heart, oh my god.. my heart is my worst enemy. It keeps on asking me "if it was the right thing to do.. then why does it feels so wrong?". I know that I made a mistake by hurting myself but more than that, I think I also hurt someone whom I truly care about. Someone I think I already love.

I know I was hurting him everyday just by mere existing in his life. I am not bragging about that fact, I am actually ashamed. I wanted to erase everything that I did and go back to normal. But he made it very clear that it's impossible to happen. The hurt has been done and sorry won't cut it. So today, he did something that I can say I already saw coming. He permanently erased me in his life. He's far more than done with me and it feels so bad.

My dreams of sharing an ice cream , holding hands again, watching my first rain in Jeddah and seeing a shooting star or fireworks with him all went to trash. I know that it was all my fault. I know I wasted everything. I know. I know. I know. Unlike most of my failed relationships.. here I am aware of what happened. I hope I didn't but I do and it's sucking the life out of me.

Now, there he goes..my first real love after a major heartbreak in a foreign city. There he goes.. disappearing into thin air. I'll miss you silly. So much.

A Letter To Your Crush

SEP. 16, 2011

By RYAN O'CONNELL

Hi Crush,

Thank you so much for existing. I was getting pretty jaded there for a second and then you came along to cast a big shining light on my life. I don’t even care if we actually hook up (well, sort of). I’m just happy that you’re there.

I don’t know you that well, which is kind of great because it allows me to run wild with my imagination. Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to nibble on earlobes or cut the crust off their sandwiches or maybe you’re actually a raging jerk who’s selfish in bed. I really have no idea. I like not knowing. It lets me create a pretty picture of you and I having picnics, kissing under streetlights, getting tangled in bed on a Sunday afternoon, getting stoned and listening to records when it’s raining, and going grocery shopping for juice and sundried tomato spread. All of these things are possible in my head. You could be this person.

Crushes are a wonderful thing. Everyone responds to them in the same way with this childlike sense of excitement and wonder. You can be 65 and still feel a smile develop when you’re listening to “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” because you get it and it gets you.

You represent possibility, a possibility of change and romance, of giving me something I’ve been craving for so long. And you don’t even know it! You’re just sitting there being cute and crushworthy, not even aware of the joy you’ve been giving me. If you knew, maybe you would be really creeped out or maybe you’d realize you felt the same way about me. I won’t know until I actually do something about it.

Therein lies the dilemma of having a crush. Do you actually want to act on it? Do you want to give them your phone number and resign yourself to feeling miserable until they finally text you? Sometimes it’s fun to just have the crush. The PG fantasy. Sometimes I don’t actually need to see you naked IRL. I just need you to be there and be whoever I want you to be in my mind. It’s not always about actually seeing if you can get into a relationship with your crush. Sometimes they’re just there to make everything easier for you and become the highlight of your day. They’re there to make you feel younger and happier and silly. They add brighter colors to an otherwise drab period of your life.

So I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it. I think I’m just going to let it be. I’m going to keep you as my dream person and not have reality ruin anything. Don’t think of this as a sad thing. You’ll be the crush who will never be able to crush me.