The Things That I Never Said

It was the fastest most exhilarating love story that I've had. He was just hanging around while I was killing time. In the midst of the Jeddah heat during Ramadan, we found each other. We instantly clicked. I loved his pouty lips and he loved my chinky eyes. Everything started out very platonic but deep inside I knew, we both wanted more. So much more.

Everytime I talk to him I feel like I was in highschool again. Everything seemed so dangerous yet I enjoyed every single moment. It was so surreal. It was perfect. We were perfect. I even thought that we are soulmates because we shared the same birthday. I feel like floating in the sky with the way he talk to me. He understands me like no one else here in this foreign land. And I don't know if it's just me and my mind playing tricks on me but I think.. he really did fall in love with me. I felt the same.. but I did not tell him. I'm such a pussy I know.

One day when I was so afraid that I am feeling something so strong, I decided to stop. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but I did it anyway because I know that I am not capable of handling this kind of love anymore. The kind that will sweep me off my feet. The kind that writers write about.. that crazy, intense but dangerous kind of love. No, I don't think I can handle it anymore. I lost my confidence on gambling so much for that kind of love.. The kind that most of the time doesn't last. If I put my self in that kind of situation again and then in the end thing won't work out.. I know I will lose my mind, I will lose myself. I.Can.Never.Afford.To.Lose.Myself.Ever.Again.

My mind tells me that I am doing the right thing, protecting myself and keeping my focus on my game but my heart, oh my god.. my heart is my worst enemy. It keeps on asking me "if it was the right thing to do.. then why does it feels so wrong?". I know that I made a mistake by hurting myself but more than that, I think I also hurt someone whom I truly care about. Someone I think I already love.

I know I was hurting him everyday just by mere existing in his life. I am not bragging about that fact, I am actually ashamed. I wanted to erase everything that I did and go back to normal. But he made it very clear that it's impossible to happen. The hurt has been done and sorry won't cut it. So today, he did something that I can say I already saw coming. He permanently erased me in his life. He's far more than done with me and it feels so bad.

My dreams of sharing an ice cream , holding hands again, watching my first rain in Jeddah and seeing a shooting star or fireworks with him all went to trash. I know that it was all my fault. I know I wasted everything. I know. I know. I know. Unlike most of my failed relationships.. here I am aware of what happened. I hope I didn't but I do and it's sucking the life out of me.

Now, there he goes..my first real love after a major heartbreak in a foreign city. There he goes.. disappearing into thin air. I'll miss you silly. So much.