A Letter To Your Crush

SEP. 16, 2011

By RYAN O'CONNELL

Hi Crush,

Thank you so much for existing. I was getting pretty jaded there for a second and then you came along to cast a big shining light on my life. I don’t even care if we actually hook up (well, sort of). I’m just happy that you’re there.

I don’t know you that well, which is kind of great because it allows me to run wild with my imagination. Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to nibble on earlobes or cut the crust off their sandwiches or maybe you’re actually a raging jerk who’s selfish in bed. I really have no idea. I like not knowing. It lets me create a pretty picture of you and I having picnics, kissing under streetlights, getting tangled in bed on a Sunday afternoon, getting stoned and listening to records when it’s raining, and going grocery shopping for juice and sundried tomato spread. All of these things are possible in my head. You could be this person.

Crushes are a wonderful thing. Everyone responds to them in the same way with this childlike sense of excitement and wonder. You can be 65 and still feel a smile develop when you’re listening to “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” because you get it and it gets you.

You represent possibility, a possibility of change and romance, of giving me something I’ve been craving for so long. And you don’t even know it! You’re just sitting there being cute and crushworthy, not even aware of the joy you’ve been giving me. If you knew, maybe you would be really creeped out or maybe you’d realize you felt the same way about me. I won’t know until I actually do something about it.

Therein lies the dilemma of having a crush. Do you actually want to act on it? Do you want to give them your phone number and resign yourself to feeling miserable until they finally text you? Sometimes it’s fun to just have the crush. The PG fantasy. Sometimes I don’t actually need to see you naked IRL. I just need you to be there and be whoever I want you to be in my mind. It’s not always about actually seeing if you can get into a relationship with your crush. Sometimes they’re just there to make everything easier for you and become the highlight of your day. They’re there to make you feel younger and happier and silly. They add brighter colors to an otherwise drab period of your life.

So I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it. I think I’m just going to let it be. I’m going to keep you as my dream person and not have reality ruin anything. Don’t think of this as a sad thing. You’ll be the crush who will never be able to crush me.

I Miss Home

Six months. I was able to get by without my parents supervision, cooking and everything in a little over six months. I was okay during the first couple of months. No. I was okay, really okay the whole time but not since last week. Why the sudden change? I'm clueless. I just.. miss home.

My family is the clingy type. You'll see them everywhere in my life. My mom is very outspoken that even Facebook can't stop her. They love me. I know that. I love them with my 206 bones too. I miss my Mama's "Kumain ka na dyan" line every morning, my Papa's cooking and "I love you anak" that always touches my heart and my two bruha sisters. I miss the family gatherings where we just eat, sing, swim and make fun of each other. I miss Nanay and her monthly treat of pedicure and if I'm lucky even manicure. I miss Tita Nora and the Dunkin' Donuts that she brings us every freakin' week. I miss my cousins, titas and titos. I miss them so I want to cry and run back to the Philippines. NOW. I miss home.

I don't know what I ate and why I'm like this. I miss my bed and my 7 pillows. I miss our house where I can just lie on the floor anytime I want. I miss the "Ondoy" (desktop at home) and his monthly habit of getting a virus. I miss my friends. I miss my life in the Philippines. I miss home.

I am aware that this is some sort of a stage that everyone abroad goes through every once in a while. I also expect that one day I'll wake up and feel better. But let me just say that today, in this moment.. I'm not okay. I miss home.

I'm puzzled on what I can do to make myself feel better. I want to feel better so bad but I realized that I am looking for it in all the wrong places. Maybe I am feeling things just because of this longing to be home. Maybe everything that I thought I am feeling for every single person who comes near is wrong. Or not. What the hell? I don't care. What I'm sure of is that.. I miss home.

I hope this feeling goes away. Like hunger or thirst. I can divert my attention to something else like eye candies or good music.. But then, even if I enjoy looking at or listening to something, the feeling of longing will still be there.. Like when you hear something nice, after a while you'll remember that you're still thirsty. The longing will not go away.. and it becomes worse this time..

I need a hug. A hug that will make me feel like I am home. I don't care if I need to buy it or do a cartwheel just to get it.. I just really need a hug now..

I Want to Hold Your Hand.

PLAY

Last night, I saw a scene of Pandora and Thomas on Skins.. holding hands after something awful happened.. I cried. Not just little but lupasay cry. It felt like my world stopped.. I realized how much I want someone to hold my hand too.. to assure me that no matter how sucky things are, in the end it'll all be alright.. that I'll be alright.

Rewind to last week, someone actually did hold my hand. I was so nervous and this sweetheart gave my hand a squeeze, "you're so tensed, you have to relax..". I feel like crying picturing that moment right now. This person did not let go of my hand for like 3 or so minutes. It was so sweet and it was very difficult for me to keep my cool while it was currently happening. I remember biting my lower lip to stop myself from grinning. Though I still want to hold hands, my protective instinct kicked in and I stopped the moment by putting my hand somewhere else.. But nevertheless, it was so lovely (imagine Cassey saying it). It was. It still is. Whenever I remember it, I feel like I am in high school again. Sneaking out, holding hands, staring, talking, driving around.. Lovely.

Back to today, I think everyone, (no matter how much they deny) at some point of their life needs someone to hold hands with, to hug anytime, to say goodnight to before wrapping up the day.. I am not sure but I think I am at that point. The thing is that all the right people that could possibly do those things with me are on the other side of the world. If I am right that I need someone to cuddle with, I would definitely need him near. Someone who I can really hold, someone I can call anytime and could show up in 15 mins max if I have an emergency. I would need someone who won't tell me that the internet connection has a problem or he cannot reach my mobile. No. I don't need that.

Coming from someone as conceited as me, admitting that I need someone is huge. Like really big deal. Though I don't want to rush things and go over the top in telling the world what I think I need.. admitting it not to you or to anyone but to myself is fair enough.

So yes! I want someone to hold my hand..

PLAY

I told you so

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no one will be able to unlock this one. not even this.

bunny

This will be the very first time that I will write about you. I don't even know if I should tell anybody about what we have because it could be really dangerous. You could possibly be dangerous. But I like you. So much. So f*ck everything else. I'll continue on liking you.


It started like one of those "I'll just try" things until one smile led to a conversation and then suddenly without warning I am back to my "crazy bitch" attitude when I like someone. I am becoming possessive and impossible to deal with. I don't know if it's just my hormones or it's really me, letting my heart take over.. yet again.


I know it's not your fault that you're so lovely, sweet, good to look at, honest, everything. I know. I want to ask you to please don't be yourself when you're around me because I don't know how long I can stop myself from kissing you every single time. I enjoy every bit of you. I want to indulge, to dive in your big bright smile. It's my favorite.


I really feel bad that I have to hide things from you. It's not that I don't trust you or anything. I just don't feel safe around other people. I don't understand myself completely but there are times when I also feel that you're just too good to be true. I don't know. Maybe my problem is not other people or you. Maybe my problem is myself. I am so damaged that I think everybody that comes close is as rotten as everybody else who came and left. I know you might never talk to me again upon finding out what I did. I won't argue if you decide to do that. I deserve worse if you ask me.


One day we'll live a normal life. One day I'll tell my friends about you and how wonderful you are. I just hope that one day comes without you leaving me and getting tired of all these.

I Will Die Single.

I am so full of myself and nobody will be able to stand me. I have more insecurities than the number of stars on a starry starry night. I hug so tight it suffocates the other person. I eat so much and I complain that I am fat even if people say that I am not. I am overly dramatic but not as overly annoying. I don't know how to treat other people. I'm too sensitive of my needs but insensitive of what other people need. I am such a crybaby and I always use my tears to get away with everything. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I don't think anyone can get me. EVER. No one will take that big risk of spending their life with me. Maybe some feeling "knight in shinning armor" guy will think that he can handle me but after sometime he'll give up. They always do. Because I am just too much of a work. I need a constant reminder that I am loved, preferably every 30 mins. Can you imagine? Every 30 freakin' minutes! I need my own space but I wouldn't give him his. I have trust issues and I think every guy is going to cheat on me. I spend most of my time complaining about other people and all that negative crap. I watch romantic movies and I am expecting every guy that I date to beat the story of Titanic. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I am not a good partner. As a matter of fact, I'm not even a good human being. So yes, I will die single. And I so deserve it.

.

Alam mo yung mga araw na hindi mo alam yung nararamdaman mo, basta alam mo lang may mali? Today is one of those days. I don't know kung arte ko lang ba to o sadyang nag-meeting lang talaga lahat ng hormones ko kaya sandamakmak na emosyon yung nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ako galit. Lahat na, lungkot, panghihinayang, saya, paghahanap ng kung ano, at kung ano ano pa nararamdaman ko pero yung galit wala. Kailangan maging malinaw ako don. Walang galit. Inis siguro pwede pa.. LOLJOKE.

Kanina iniisip ko, hanggang kelan ko pa kaya to mararamdaman? Kelan kaya ako makakatakas sa emosyong to.. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na din. Lagi na lang kaming naghahabulan, lagi din naman nya kong naaabutan, lagi din na ako yung umiiyak sa huli.

Naalala ko nung bata pa ko, nung sinimulan kong mag-bike minus the training wheels, bonggang bonggang sumemplang ako non. Dive kung dive sa mabatong kalsada. Matagal na yon.. Hindi ko na maalala kung gaano ako katagal umiyak dahil sa sakit o kung sino/ano ang nagpatahan sa akin. Ang naaalala ko lang.. masakit yung nangyari. May dugo, may sugat. Ngayon, wala na yung sakit, pero yung nangyari hindi ko pa din makalimutan. Yung peklat ko sa tuhod galing sa nangyari na yon, nandito pa din sa tuhod ko. Hindi na ata mabubura. KAHITKELAN.

Ganon talaga siguro sa lahat ng sugat. Lalo na yung mga sugat na wala namang physical projection. Yun yung mas malalalim kasi hindi mo pwedeng lagyan ng band aid, walang alcohol, walang bulak. Dugo lang ng dugo hanggang sa matuyo.

Naaalala ko pa yung sabi sakin ni Kaycee sa letter nya about a year ago.. Sabi nya ang tapang ko daw, kasi ilang beses na daw nya kong nakitang sumugal. Ilang beses na kong natalo pero hindi pa din ako nawawalan ng faith na isang araw makaka-chamba din ako. Siguro nga nakailan na ko.. Malulungkot kaya si Kayce kung sasabihin ko na wala na kong ganang subukan? Para inspiration nya ata ako tas bigla na kong aayaw.. Ang labo ko namang idol.. Pero bakit? Hindi naman nya malalaman ah. Bahala na nga.

Sa ngayon hindi ko talaga alam. Sa lahat naman ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao kahit maliit or malaki may epekto sayo eh. Kung magiging duwag man ako dahil sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, so be it. Okay lang. Ang importante alam ko na wala akong sinasaktang tao. Hihintayin ko na lang yung araw na may isang tao na magpapakita sakin na kaya ko pa kahit isang try pa ulit. Sana. Sana kaya ko pang maghintay.