I Will Die Single.

I am so full of myself and nobody will be able to stand me. I have more insecurities than the number of stars on a starry starry night. I hug so tight it suffocates the other person. I eat so much and I complain that I am fat even if people say that I am not. I am overly dramatic but not as overly annoying. I don't know how to treat other people. I'm too sensitive of my needs but insensitive of what other people need. I am such a crybaby and I always use my tears to get away with everything. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I don't think anyone can get me. EVER. No one will take that big risk of spending their life with me. Maybe some feeling "knight in shinning armor" guy will think that he can handle me but after sometime he'll give up. They always do. Because I am just too much of a work. I need a constant reminder that I am loved, preferably every 30 mins. Can you imagine? Every 30 freakin' minutes! I need my own space but I wouldn't give him his. I have trust issues and I think every guy is going to cheat on me. I spend most of my time complaining about other people and all that negative crap. I watch romantic movies and I am expecting every guy that I date to beat the story of Titanic. I am impossible to put up with. IMPOSSIBLE.

I am not a good partner. As a matter of fact, I'm not even a good human being. So yes, I will die single. And I so deserve it.

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Alam mo yung mga araw na hindi mo alam yung nararamdaman mo, basta alam mo lang may mali? Today is one of those days. I don't know kung arte ko lang ba to o sadyang nag-meeting lang talaga lahat ng hormones ko kaya sandamakmak na emosyon yung nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ako galit. Lahat na, lungkot, panghihinayang, saya, paghahanap ng kung ano, at kung ano ano pa nararamdaman ko pero yung galit wala. Kailangan maging malinaw ako don. Walang galit. Inis siguro pwede pa.. LOLJOKE.

Kanina iniisip ko, hanggang kelan ko pa kaya to mararamdaman? Kelan kaya ako makakatakas sa emosyong to.. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na din. Lagi na lang kaming naghahabulan, lagi din naman nya kong naaabutan, lagi din na ako yung umiiyak sa huli.

Naalala ko nung bata pa ko, nung sinimulan kong mag-bike minus the training wheels, bonggang bonggang sumemplang ako non. Dive kung dive sa mabatong kalsada. Matagal na yon.. Hindi ko na maalala kung gaano ako katagal umiyak dahil sa sakit o kung sino/ano ang nagpatahan sa akin. Ang naaalala ko lang.. masakit yung nangyari. May dugo, may sugat. Ngayon, wala na yung sakit, pero yung nangyari hindi ko pa din makalimutan. Yung peklat ko sa tuhod galing sa nangyari na yon, nandito pa din sa tuhod ko. Hindi na ata mabubura. KAHITKELAN.

Ganon talaga siguro sa lahat ng sugat. Lalo na yung mga sugat na wala namang physical projection. Yun yung mas malalalim kasi hindi mo pwedeng lagyan ng band aid, walang alcohol, walang bulak. Dugo lang ng dugo hanggang sa matuyo.

Naaalala ko pa yung sabi sakin ni Kaycee sa letter nya about a year ago.. Sabi nya ang tapang ko daw, kasi ilang beses na daw nya kong nakitang sumugal. Ilang beses na kong natalo pero hindi pa din ako nawawalan ng faith na isang araw makaka-chamba din ako. Siguro nga nakailan na ko.. Malulungkot kaya si Kayce kung sasabihin ko na wala na kong ganang subukan? Para inspiration nya ata ako tas bigla na kong aayaw.. Ang labo ko namang idol.. Pero bakit? Hindi naman nya malalaman ah. Bahala na nga.

Sa ngayon hindi ko talaga alam. Sa lahat naman ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao kahit maliit or malaki may epekto sayo eh. Kung magiging duwag man ako dahil sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, so be it. Okay lang. Ang importante alam ko na wala akong sinasaktang tao. Hihintayin ko na lang yung araw na may isang tao na magpapakita sakin na kaya ko pa kahit isang try pa ulit. Sana. Sana kaya ko pang maghintay.

The Ones That Got Away

AUG. 1, 2011 By KAT GEORGE

It was instant. We gravitated towards each other between the comings-and-goings of conversation and eating and drinking. One moment he’d be subsumed in the crowd of old friends and I’d be dipping carrot sticks in humus but it was like with every leap we took into the air we would fall, inevitably, back to earth. As soon as he’d disappear he’d be by my side again, or I by his, although we didn’t notice in those first few hours—that we didn’t want to be apart, that we belonged in each other’s orbit. It was a very special first meeting.

As the night progressed we separated, held together by text, and found each other again. He kissed me in a crowd of people, and after that we held hands until the morning. We went home and lay together, held each other, touched each other. We didn’t have sex but we stared into each other’s eyes, and fell asleep eventually, just so. In the afternoon we woke up and we kept holding hands, and for four days more our fingers remained intertwined.

At the end of it all, he had a plane to catch, a place to be that was not the place where I was, so I said goodbye. I felt a sort of relief—a weight lifted from me as the chance of falling in love careened down a runway, rushed upwards and sped into the distant north. But he still wanted me. He still called me up, convinced that we could make it work. He did not anticipate how stubborn my resolve would be. I was not going to have this long distance relationship with this perfect man who liked me because I was me and not in spite of it—I would not submit to the idyllic offerings before me.

And so the earth rearranged. My front yard filled with flowers and I found someone else—so did he. I descended into the emotional turmoil of a broken relationship and we eventually lost contact, only to find it again, much later, but again, very far apart. He still had someone new holding his hand, and I was alone again. Sometimes, I would think, “what if?” What I had’ve had the courage to trade in my spontaneous frivolity, my itchy feet, my adoration of my own wild adventures for what, as far as I could tell, was a partnership with a person over whose cogs mine ticked over in well oiled synchronicity?

We all have at least one proverbial The One That Got Away; some of us have more. That special someone that was a little bit too right at a time that was a little bit too wrong. That special someone who came along right when we were just starting to figure it all out; when we were so happy alone that the thought of sharing inspired anxiety instead of warmth. That special someone who, in our stubborn, selfish, impulsive state of mind was too easy to love so instead become a discarded edition in our already overflowing “too hard” basket.

So will come the day when you will be faced with regret—maybe because that person has forgotten you, maybe because they’re happy holding someone else’s hand. Or maybe it’s simply because the bitch hindsight whispers in your ear as you lay awake at night, reminding you always of your youthful arrogance. You feel ashamed of your foolhardy conceit, because really, that’s all it was that made you push that special someone away. And so maybe your regret is less about the absence of your special someone, and more about your own shame at your over-wrought self-importance and abhorrent expectations of what should or should not be at any given time. Either way, you feel restless.

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