Not Cool. Unlike.

For a moment I thought we were in high school again. I’m the not popular, not smart just average looking girl and you are the class clown who’s so cool from head to toe. We are saying things that we said before and it feels like the bond never left. It feels like JS Prom again, dim lights, you and me all formal and pretty, dancing in the middle of them all. And just like JS Prom we kissed not caring even if the whole world can see us. Then I realized it is not high school anymore. No.
You are still that “cool guy” for all those people who know you, with all those shoes that you have and the things that you do. But for me, it’s not high school anymore.. so no. That wouldn’t really count as cool for me. On the other hand, I am here waiting for the break that I need to start my career, my life. So yeah, I am not that average girl anymore.. I think I’m the one in the far bottom. But it’s okay because it’s not the issue here.
I don’t know what you think about yourself but for me you’re such an ass. People tell me that you’re someone that I should end up with because you’re so cool and you seem so well mannered, educated and all. They even tell me that maybe the reason why I cannot find the right one among these guys that I have dated is because I am still under your spell or something like that. A couple of months ago, I kind of believe that is possible. But after some shitty things you did you proved me wrong. You could arguably be one of the coolest person I have ever met but not the guy for me. No.
Since I was trying to figure things out between you and me, I tried to watch your every move. I had limited access to the life that you have right now considering the distance between us but still, I got just what I needed. You flirted here and there. You once told your brother to collect girl friends then choose among them once he’s ready. You even flirted with another girl not realizing that we have common friends and everyone can see what you are doing. And for me, that was it. You really lost me on that one.
You always tell me how special I am and what we had and I am beginning to believe you. Now I question your sincerity on every conversation that we had. Luckily I woke up from the illusion that I am in high school again. And even if I am in high school, I’ll refuse to date you anymore. You used to be so special for me but now I am not sure. I don’t even think you’ll pass as cool..

So I sit here listening to the Eraserheads mix that I found while looking for the remote control. It feels so good, I think of them as the Philippines own version of The Epic Beatles. I picture them playing on their last ever concert. It must have been surreal to see them play for the last time. Like all good things, they had their expiry date and everyone seemed to understand them for doing that. But once “Fruitcake” played, it’s a whole new different scenario that I am seeing. I remember a bus ride where I was able to see the concert for the first time through a pirated DVD, thanks to the cool Manong Kundoktor. It was one of the most memorable bus rides that I’ve ever been to. I remember that we were supposed to ride the MRT but decided to go along EDSA through this cool bus because of the music.

My story is just like this bus ride. I’ve got everything figured out, I know where I am heading and have calculated the time when I’m supposed to arrive to the destination but then something unexpected happens and then BOOM. All of a sudden my plans adjust; my phase slows down and my focus, forgotten. It also always ends with the reality that the unexpected something goes away after a couple of fun jiffies and I am left alone to start things over, figure things out.

I often ask myself why I get easily distracted. I don’t really know. I just have this heart that keeps on hoping that humanity has this goodness that if I try harder to look for it, I will find it and be happy for the rest of my life. Today I think that expectation from humanity is stupid but who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow and risk everything for something that could be not existent again.

I might look like someone who’s got everything figured out before but now I know I am way past that stage. I’m just like everybody else. I’m lost and it’s crazy to be lost. Just saying.

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