February 11, 2011, exactly 200 days after my so called “Shattered Dreams” happened and I’m still here.. Standing and alive. When you’re in so much suffering you can’t help but count the days and make sure that each day will be the last. In my case I can’t really declare that I’m a hundred percent healed. I still stop and sigh whenever I pass by our favorite places. I still look at our old photos and remember how happy we were when those were taken or the back story behind each silly smile. I still have those crying spree nights mostly because I remember the day when he told me it’s over and there’s nothing I can do to make him change his mind. My friends still test me by asking me about him, waiting on how I will react when they mention him. My family on the contrary learned that when it comes to me, avoiding the issue is the best way to go. They never mentioned him ever, especially Papa. I guess it is better that way. After more than half a year, I know I’m doing well with where I am. A love so intense and real is not that easy to get out of your system. I am lucky enough that I was able to stop myself from cutting or doing anything stupid when things were too much to bear. When even some of my closest friends are adding to the twinge that I am feeling I was able to get by with the help of my drenched pillow.
The first couple of days went super sluggish that I tried millions of things to get not just him but everything out of my head. I focused on my work, accepted 24 hour shifts every time they ask me to, joined a networking company yet again, went out with friends every chance I get, not to mention the various online games that I played just to be busy and unavailable. The itch of calling him, telling him that things can still work out was prevented by the fact that he’s under seclusion for two or three months. I admit that I may have sent him a number of messages but nevertheless I am proud that I was able to keep my pride that is.. if I still have any.
Fast forward to today, I am cool. My need to not hear from anyone related to him and of course from him still stands. Not that he’ll need to talk to me anytime but I’m just saying. I still feel something and it is still excruciating to see that after everything, the love that we had was thrown to wasteland just like that. It still pains me to see how casual things ended. He broke up with me over a Facebook message and finalized things over Yahoo Messenger. That was so stupid. I feel so cheap. I know I am supposed to say that after 200 days I am all good. I moved on. But every time I look back, even if I remember the good times, the way things ended still haunts me. I want to forget all about it but I just couldn’t. In my heart I really hope I can be happy for him, maybe I already am but I just couldn’t be friends with him anymore. At least not today.
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