“ticket-waiting” period

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I am very excited to leave my life in the Philippines then suddenly I realized that I am forgetting to live in the present. All day and night I obsess about finally getting my ticket and escaping the life that I have here. While I feel so stressed because the waiting is becoming way too long than expected I am still trying to keep things in place. There were a couple of stuff that I am supposed to do during the “ticket-waiting” period. One of which is to be able to maintain a certain amount of distance from the people that I am addicted to.. my family and my friends to be exact. Papa, upon knowing that I’m set to leave has been extra sweet lately. He’s been getting all the opportunity to go home more frequently than usual. He’s been a really sweet father even before but it feels a little different these days. I’m sure I’ll be spending a couple of nights sobbing due to the tremendous need to talk to my parents, sisters and my relatives, a couple more nights missing the food that we eat, the places that we go to and the inside jokes that never fail to make everyone die of laughter. While I am here, while I am with them, I know I should spend my days having good conversations and making them feel important. It feels like I’m writing a suicide note ah..

Another set of people that I must try to give a breathing space is my barkada. I can say I have the coolest, most sundry set of friends that I can never imagine my life living without. I love the crazy, goofy anything-under-the-sun talks that we have whether over expensive coffee or just mentos/yosi. In that far land where I am going, I was warned that it is dangerous for me to go out on my free day. My mother was very worried upon hearing that. She was like “Kaya mo ba yon? Wala dun sila Wawa..”. I quickly reminded her that Wawa has been in the states for a couple of months already and assured her that I can do that. I was a monk in my past life. Chos. Though I will be missing the coolest people on earth, I know that they’ll be missing me just the same. I am sure of that. Some of them even have lesbian tendencies towards me. Haha. I am also sure that they’ll be the ones who will CALL me because they know that during the first couple of months I wouldn’t be having any internet access whatsoever.

Yesterday, the agency told me that I’ll have two weeks before I get the ticket but long before that, I have already made another important house rule. I shall never get involved. I’ve been single for the past 6 months. Thank God time flies that fast. I don’t even feel a single thing anymore.. well, with me, I couldn’t be sure but I have made such huge progress.. really. Shut up CJ try to save all these for another entry. So as I was saying.. in those six months I’ve met a couple of people.. but never really went out on a date. I just talked to them and consumed a number of sulitxt and unlitxt subscriptions. I was really proud that I was able to keep the flirt button off. I hope I continue on doing that. If I’ll be staying here for two weeks.. I’ll have two weeks of declining the invitation of this very patient and nice guy. I’m still not even sure if this week is cleared. Since I am positive that nothing works long distance.. I will never give it another shot. Ever.

Third rule is to eat as much baboy as possible. Muslim countries don’t serve pork so that means I’ll be missing pork for a good 24 months. With that said.. I’m going to eat now. I will eat pork until I hear myself sing this song.

i can't even..

This is nothing but a rant about most of the guys and their "bulok" style. I don’t know if I’ll hate them or feel bad for them because I think bad dating habits means that you haven’t dated much. Or you’re just plain douche. It’s one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of dating. Para kasing mukhang tanga lang eh. Like, a few hours ago I was talking to this guy.. I've known him from work. He’s on a higher position so we were just hi and hello basis so I was so surprised when he texted me and talked to me like we’re two normal people (normal as in.. well you know what I mean). So yeah, I think in his case it’s the lack of dating experience that makes him act like a jerk during our talk because he seemed really decent and nice before. Now.. I can’t be too sure. He asked where I was and then texted me these exact words “Kita tayo ng Monday after shift ko 6:30 sa *insert location here*. Ok.>. I was so surprised because this is the first time someone told me to meet up without even asking if I’m okay about it. My initial reply was something like asking him if he’s into networking and stuff because he sounded like one. He told me yadda yadda, we’ll just have coffee blah blah. I told him ‘No. I can’t. Just see me if you want when I meet up with my friends (from the same company)’. I was annoyed by the way he ordered me to meet up and also afraid that he could be a rapist or something. His style was just so, i-wanna-have-coffee-with-you-I-don’t-care-if-you-don’t-feel-the-same-but-you-have-to-come. I may have said a couple of things to annoy him back until he stopped texting me. That guy was a major freak *Bendita tone*.

I am not sure if it’s just me who’s not ready to date and get to know other people or it’s the guys that I’ve been meeting lately who are obsolete. I remember telling a friend that the guy he likes for me bores me and hearing him say “Ang bongga ng Sis ko, umaayaw kay *insert name here *!”. Honestly, I was also shocked that I said that but then, that’s how I really feel about the situation even if I really like the person. It’s harder to be single especially if you don’t want to be available. The last thing that I need right at this moment is a person who’d bug me about stuff like saying goodnight or having dinner or every crappy thing that goes with the early stage of dating/relationships. I don’t want to date. I don’t want small talk. I’m not really in the mood for all that crap. Well, I don’t know if it’s healthy but whatever. The thing is, if I don’t eat I’ll die. Same thing as if I don’t date, I’ll end up with cats and dogs. For me that is not really a problem, though I pictured myself being a parent and all that, I can really do without a partner. Or can I? God. I haven’t been out on a date-date with anyone since my last relationship ended and it has been what? Six freakin’ months! So what now? Should I give dating a try again or no? Crap. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore so bye.

Pre-Departure Over Sagacity

The title does not have anything to do with the content of this blog. I wanted to have a title with the same acronym as the PDOS (a kind of seminar) that I have had a couple of days back. So since I brought the PDOS topic, I might as well tell you that yes, in any day from now I will be one of those we so call “OFW’s”. I am not psyched to be one of them even though I know that I was educated to be such primarily because of the effect of mass media to my parents and also because of their dream of a better future for me and them. On the contrary, I am not sad. Well, I am not all hyped and gaga about going abroad but I am glad that finally my career is going somewhere. Even if that somewhere means a thousand of miles away from the people that I love.

I started packing my main bag (and by main I mean the biggest of the three bags that I am planning to bring) but it’s not yet done since I still have a bunch of stuff to add to my supplies. Here’s a secret, I am indeed afraid to die of hunger in a foreign land. Hehe. Just thinking about the fact that I will not be able to eat pork in two years makes me cry.. no joke. If I talk about all the dishes that I am going to miss I’m sure, I can spend the whole day or more so I will stop talking about food now because it’s making me hungry.

I have a million of concerns when it comes to going abroad. I worry that my baggage might exceed the allowable weight for the flight. I worry that I may be wearing the wrong outfit once I land. I worry that my phone won’t work in Jeddah and that my parents and my not too many friends will not be able to contact me and they will think that I was “Flor Contemplacioned” or something. I worry that I won’t understand the doctors, patients and everybody not Filipino there. I worry that I might get loss in the middle of the dessert and the lack of skill of knowing east from west will make me die. I worry about a lot of things but right now my main concern is that I worry that my ticket won’t come.

It’s been nearly a week since I’ve had my PDOS and until now, I haven’t heard from my agency. I am bit happy about it because my sister is having a birthday party by the end of the week which I helped organize so I have to be there. After that, I know I’ll be all crazy thinking as to where that freakin’ agency placed the money that I paid them. The only assurance that I have is the fact that a very close friend was able to go abroad because of them but still, everybody has a different story.

Does this make sense? I mean I am saying that I want to go but not today nor in a couple of days. I am saying that I am so afraid and unsure of what I am about to do with my life well, who would be sure on leaving everything behind and starting form scratch? But I am also saying that I am happy because change means something and most of the time it’s positive. Well, right now I just so want to tell the world “Hey Bring It ON!”. I am so ready to take the next step. Though I am full of apprehensions, I know that I can do it and I don’t need to hear that from anyone else but me.

this too shall pass.

i don't want to be in this place anymore. i don't want that i am not doing anything. i am just so tired of this. it is such a exhausting experience seeing myself unable to take a step forward.. nor even another step backwards. what's happening with me? i don't even know myself anymore. i used to be dark, twisted but incredibly strong willed and fighting. now i'm just dark and twisted. it's just killing me to keep my composure. no one can even realize that, nobody can even notice that. that's because nobody cares. i can't blame them, i totally get that everybody has their own problem to fix. they all have their own struggle and really.. i'm not asking for anyone to notice, it's just sad to realize that not even a single person knows. maybe i should tell somebody about this.. or not. i don't want to be some freak who cries while singing like a virgin while cutting a dead body (sandra oh) when things are beyond my control.. but then i also don't want to be this drama queen who tells the world how miserable her life is as if the street children are luckier.

i want to be some place far. nothing's happening here for me. there's no party anymore.. or if there is one.. i'm not even invited. i want to blame some people for hurting me, for making me feel this bad but then i won't. why would i? it all ends up the same.. this is my life and even if i admit it or not.. i made all these happen. it's all directly charged to me and me alone. people around me maybe accessories to the end product (which is my pathetic life) but still.. i'm the one holding the steering wheel. everything was my call and i called wrong.

i know in the coming week, i am about to make one decision that i will regret for a long time.. and when i say long, i mean 5 years or so. even if i am well aware right at this moment that i am about to make a mistake, i can't help myself but consider doing it. my mind is like saying "you've got nothing to lose". yeah right. because clearly i have got nothing at this moment. maybe i'll make this mistake just like what i always do. do things that are not good for me, eat unhealthy food, be with people who leave me behind.. the usual. maybe i'm bound to know everything about myself and the effect things on me but then maybe i'm also that brave to think that i can overcome those things.. or just plain arrogant.

i don't really know what to do anymore.. but i know i'll be fine. i'll hold myself together for eveybody.. because after all, life is all about holding it all together. keeping yourself from falling apart. i can do this because i know that this too shall pass..

Baby Angel

This will be the first time in a long time that I will blog about work just because the experience is too much for me to put up with. I have this wonderful feeling, like the high that some heroine dependent feels whenever a baby is being delivered specially in a spontaneous method. That high is on it’s climax whenever the OB hands me the baby’s body then after cutting the cord, totally entrusts the life of the tiny little creature to my hands. I feel very important. The “baby-you-wouldn’t-live-if-I’m-not-here” feeling immediately deposits a sky-scraping dosage of adrenaline to my whole body. I love the feeling so what I do is really take care of the baby, hold it so gently, rub the blood clots all over its body soothingly and make sure that it’s dry, warm and comfortable while trying to be familiar on the new world that it is experiencing.

I remember Grey’s Anatomy. George will drag Meredith to the nursery whenever everything is just getting out of hand. They work on the Surgical Department which is totally hardcore so they go through some kind of therapy on every occasion they spend looking at those little angels in the nursery. That’s just so sweet. Babies. I adore babies. I always say to myself that I’d like to mother a couple of them when the time comes.

Yesterday, the hospital was I must say benign for a Monday. A few out patient having their check-ups, a couple of admitted patients for induced labor and some in-patients ready to go home. While I was busy finishing the charts, I heard some commotion down the ER. After finally making sure that everything’s okay in the ward, I saw that there was a direct admission so I went straight to the Delivery Room. Seeing my Senior Nurse calling my name in a very nervous and toxic (as the medical people say) voice, I grabbed the scrub gown, mask and cap and took a look at what’s inside. What I saw was a floor soaked with amniotic fluid and a woman with no gown, no IVF, no oxygen in a lithotomy position pushing and bearing down already. If some doctor have seen what just happened we’re so going to make an incident report for breaking all the rules in sterility. When I saw the area where the baby’s supposed to come from, it was red, like fresh blood red in color which is very unusual because if the presenting part is the head it should be black because of the hair or pale for the face.. me I’d accept any color, any color aside from red. My Senior Nurse was asking me “Cj, ulo ba yan? Sa tingin mo ulo? “ and I was like, “Hindi yan ulo mam! Bakit red? Baka cord or.. ano yan?”. We are both on panic stage when I heard the door open and saw the OB. The baby’s head was finally delivered showing us a part of it’s brain. Apparently, that was the red part presenting earlier the delivery. “Anencephalic baby”, said the doctor. According to Wikipedia, Anencephaly is a cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the cephalic (head) end of the neural tube fails to close, usually between the 23rd and 26th day of pregnancy, resulting in the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull, and scalp. Children with this disorder are born without a forebrain, the largest part of the brain consisting mainly of the cerebral hemispheres.

Once the doctor cut the cord and I have the baby on my hands she told me to show the baby to the mother. I was so apprehensive, it breaks my heart to see such little being in that condition but I know I have to do my job, so I showed the baby on my hands on the crying woman on the DR table. She screamed upon the sight of her baby. “Baby Girl, Baby Out: 5:30PM” was all I was able to say. I placed the baby on the crib and was asked by the OB to come with her as she shows the baby to the father. This is beyond tragic, I thought. The father naturally cried when he saw the baby. “Tatawagin po ni CJ yung Pedia pero usually po oras or araw lang ang aantayin natin. Kung din po talaga para sa atin, kailangan tanggapin na lang natin. Wala po tayong magagawa.”, said the doctor. I took the baby in the NICU not knowing what to do first. Should I suction her? No. It will further increase her ICP. I opened the oxygen tank, gave her O2 and kept her warm with the droplight. For a good 5 minutes I think, I just stared at the baby. She’s breathing, heart rate is still there, she’s got a cleft lip, and yeah.. her brain is outside her skull. I was trying to make her cry. A good cry is a sign of good coping mechanism to the change of environment but I know that this case is an exemption. “Baby, laban ka ha?”, I told her when the OB showed up and told me to fix the baby. When she left I cleaned the baby and dressed her. I realized that I was crying while I was doing it. I just stopped crying when I remembered that the brain is bare and my tears might drop there. I did the routine then the Pedia came and told us that we’ll just have to give Palliative care. Palliative care (from Latin palliare, to cloak) is any form of medical care or treatment that concentrates on reducing the severity of diseasesymptoms, rather than striving to halt, delay, or reverse progression of the disease itself or provide a cure. Simply put we’d do nothing. :(

It was really a depressing experience for me. I felt like all my energy went towards the sadness that I felt. My muscles felt weak and I just wanted to home right away. I think the baby is really about to die but she still wanted to see her parents that’s why she fought to live even for just a couple of hours. Now I’m sure she’s in heaven. An undoubtedly better place.