i don't want to be in this place anymore. i don't want that i am not doing anything. i am just so tired of this. it is such a exhausting experience seeing myself unable to take a step forward.. nor even another step backwards. what's happening with me? i don't even know myself anymore. i used to be dark, twisted but incredibly strong willed and fighting. now i'm just dark and twisted. it's just killing me to keep my composure. no one can even realize that, nobody can even notice that. that's because nobody cares. i can't blame them, i totally get that everybody has their own problem to fix. they all have their own struggle and really.. i'm not asking for anyone to notice, it's just sad to realize that not even a single person knows. maybe i should tell somebody about this.. or not. i don't want to be some freak who cries while singing like a virgin while cutting a dead body (sandra oh) when things are beyond my control.. but then i also don't want to be this drama queen who tells the world how miserable her life is as if the street children are luckier.
i want to be some place far. nothing's happening here for me. there's no party anymore.. or if there is one.. i'm not even invited. i want to blame some people for hurting me, for making me feel this bad but then i won't. why would i? it all ends up the same.. this is my life and even if i admit it or not.. i made all these happen. it's all directly charged to me and me alone. people around me maybe accessories to the end product (which is my pathetic life) but still.. i'm the one holding the steering wheel. everything was my call and i called wrong.
i know in the coming week, i am about to make one decision that i will regret for a long time.. and when i say long, i mean 5 years or so. even if i am well aware right at this moment that i am about to make a mistake, i can't help myself but consider doing it. my mind is like saying "you've got nothing to lose". yeah right. because clearly i have got nothing at this moment. maybe i'll make this mistake just like what i always do. do things that are not good for me, eat unhealthy food, be with people who leave me behind.. the usual. maybe i'm bound to know everything about myself and the effect things on me but then maybe i'm also that brave to think that i can overcome those things.. or just plain arrogant.
i don't really know what to do anymore.. but i know i'll be fine. i'll hold myself together for eveybody.. because after all, life is all about holding it all together. keeping yourself from falling apart. i can do this because i know that this too shall pass..
